Category: <span>Therapy</span>

brentwood counseling associates blog

Getting Out of the Story in Your Head

We all have a story in our heads. It’s the narrative we tell ourselves about who we are, what we’re capable of, and how we fit into the world. It’s the lens through which we view our experiences and interpret the world. While our story can be a source of strength and motivation, it can also hold us back and keep us stuck in limiting beliefs and negative thought patterns. So, how do we get out of the story in our heads? Here are some tips:

Recognize Your Story

The first step to getting out of the story in your head is to recognize it. Pay attention to the thoughts and beliefs that arise when facing a challenge or a difficult situation. What story are you telling yourself about the problem? Are you seeing it through a lens of fear, self-doubt, or negativity? By becoming aware of your story, you can challenge it and see it for what it is – a narrative you’ve constructed based on your past experiences, beliefs, and perceptions.

Does it help?

Once you recognize your story, you can explore how helpful it is. Rather than challenging whether or not your story is true, ask yourself, “Does it move me toward who I want to be?” “Is it improving my relationships?” “Is it improving my satisfaction with life?” Alternatively, “Is it bogging me down in negativity?” “Is it damaging my relationships?” “Is it making me less productive?” When we get fully enmeshed in our inner narrative, it can begin to look like it is the Truth, limiting our ability to engage our world effectively.

Focus on the Present Moment

Part of the way that we are limited by our negative stories is that they keep us stuck in the past or worrying about the future. If you observe your story and determine it is not helping you, you can refocus on what is right in front of you. By focusing on the present moment, we can let go of our story and experience life as it is without the filter of our narrative. Practice mindfulness or meditation to help you stay present and let go of distracting thoughts.

Take Action

Once we are refocused on the present moment, it is time to take action. Instead of getting caught up in your thoughts and beliefs, focus on what you can do right now to move forward. Take small steps towards your goals, even if they feel uncomfortable or scary. By taking action, you can break free from the limitations of your story and create a new narrative based on your experiences and achievements.

Practice Self-Compassion

Often, our story limits us through self-criticism and judgment. We may compare ourselves to others, feel inadequate, or focus on our flaws and mistakes. Practicing self-compassion allows us to see ourselves in a more positive and accepting light. Treat yourself with kindness, understanding, and forgiveness, and focus on your strengths and accomplishments instead of your shortcomings.

Connect with Others

Sometimes, we need to get out of our heads and connect with others to break free from our story. You can engage with friends, family, or a therapist for support and perspective. Share your struggles and concerns with others, and listen to their stories. By connecting with others, we can gain a broader perspective on our experiences and find inspiration and encouragement to move forward.

Getting out of the story in your head is a process of awareness, questioning, and action. By recognizing and questioning the helpfulness of our story, staying present, taking action, practicing self-compassion, and connecting with others, we can break free from limiting beliefs and negative thought patterns and create a new narrative based on our experiences and strengths. This is often hard and takes time and effort, but the rewards of letting go of our story and living in the present moment can be life-changing. So, step outside your story today and see what new possibilities arise.

If you would like help in this process, please reach out to us at 615-377-1153, and we can get you connected with one of our excellent therapists, who are trained to guide you as you get out of your head and re-engage your life.

Resources:

The Happiness Trap website (https://thehappinesstrap.com/) is an excellent resource for learning about the process of getting out of your head. They have everything from free resources to a full, 8-week program guiding you through it.

(NOTE: Brentwood Counseling Associates has no connection with The Happiness Trap and receives no compensation for recommending it)

4 Ways to Feel Better Today

When I was in my teens and twenties I loved theater. I auditioned for and acted in whatever theater productions that were available to me. (I wasn’t good–but what I lacked in skill I made up for with enthusiasm!) One of the base understandings that all actors must grasp is that you never wait for a feeling to determine your actions. If you act first, the feelings will follow. One of my teachers used to say “never feel your way into an action—act your way into a feeling.” Over time I learned that she was 100% correct. I have also learned that this is a fantastic paradigm for a first step towards feeling better in therapy: Instead of allowing our feelings to dictate our actions, there are ways we can skillfully act to help ourselves feel better. It is quite possible to act our way into feeling better.

There are 4 domains that significantly impact our quality of life. I call them the “4 Pillars of Wellbeing.” They are: “Eat, sleep, move, breathe.” This is the first thing I explore with all of my clients.

  • Eat: The food we eat and beverages we drink have a significant impact on how we feel. There is powerful reality to my mom’s old maxim: “We are what we eat.” The more we adhere to a balanced diet of whole foods–fresh fruits, vegetables, grains and lean meats–in a balanced intake throughout the day, the better we feel. Unfortunately the foods that are the cheapest and most readily available are rife with processed carbohydrates, refined sugars and caffeine. An outsized intake of these kinds of foods are akin to using muddy water to fuel a car. At some point we will feel the effects–and it does not feel good! Also, many of us are woefully underhydrated. Beginning the day with a 20 oz. glass of water (and a sprinkle of Hymalayan sea salt to help with absorption) can help counter the dehydration from a night of sleep.
  • Sleep: We are learning that sleep is the most important of the 4 pillars. Sleep expert Matthew Walker, Ph.D, has found that “the shorter your sleep, the shorter your life. The leading causes of disease and death in developed nations—diseases that are crippling health-care systems, such as heart disease, obesity, dementia, diabetes, and cancer—all have recognized causal links to a lack of sleep.” Lack of sleep also contributes to increased anxiety, depression and the inability for the nervous system to self-regulate. 7-9 hours of sleep per night is necessary for mental, emotional and physical health. One of the most important things we can do is create a “sleep routine.” With my clients I refer to this as “landing the plane.” A sleep routine begins about an hour before sleep and may include a warm bath or shower, stretching, breathwork/meditation and a relaxing activity such as reading (also, no screens, caffeine or sugar at least an hour before bedtime).
  • Move: The more we move, the better we feel. This does not mean that we have to be training for a triathlon. For example, a short walk (outside, preferably) of 30 minutes does the trick for the day. Other activities such as yoga, gardening, swimming, etc…can provide a significant boost to our mental, emotional and physical well-being.
  • Breathe: Most of us live in chronic, low-level stress response. One of the markers of stress response is clipped and shallow breathing. By simply stopping three times a day to take 10 long, deep slow breaths can help provide our bodies much needed oxygen, help us focus and help our nervous systems shift from stress to relaxation response.

I know, this feels like ALOT! The best approach to change is to make small changes that will compound over time. So: What is 1 thing in 1 domain that you can act on today? And stick with it tomorrow. And the days following?

If you would like help in not only feeling better, but also experiencing healing of your past, engaging meaningfully in the present and crafting a meaningful future, please contact me or any of our therapists at 615-377-1153.

What is Play Therapy?

“Play therapy is to children what counseling is to adults. Play therapy utilizes play, children’s natural medium of expression, to help them express their feelings more easily through toys instead of words.”
(University of North Texas, Center for Play Therapy)

Play is the language of children. Just as we may sit down with one another and share our deepest worries, fears, excitements and joys, children do the same through play. It is a medium in which children can express their inner thoughts and feelings in a way that makes sense for them. Play gives their brains a method to organize confusing thoughts or experiences into something more concrete and easier to understand. And it’s not just children who benefit from play. Older teens and even adults can express and process difficult thoughts and feelings through play. In fact, current research indicates that play is a biological need for the brain which helps us make sense of the outside world. In play, either individually or with others, children can master social skills, and expand emotional tolerance and cognitive learning. Most importantly, play opens the space for vulnerability and connection, both qualities that every person needs when faced with difficulties and hardships.

Through play, the child is able to focus on their anxiety, depression, and even trauma without needing to use words. In my time working with children and teens, I have found the best moments of healing are not when words are used. Rather, it is when the person allows themselves to be open to what they are experiencing in the expression of play and art. Sometimes big thoughts and feelings are expressed through art, playing a game with the therapist, or creating a world in the sand tray. Play opens the space for connections to be made that weren’t previously there and for clients to master and understand emotions or thoughts that didn’t make sense previously.

What does Play Therapy look like?

Play in therapy takes several different forms. Sometimes the child leads the play and the therapist joins at the child’s comfort level. Other times, the therapist guides the play so the child can practice certain coping skills. Parents can even join in play therapy sessions to encourage connection to children’s processes and experiences. Play can also create opportunities for growth and learning. What might be a simple game of Uno, can easily become a lesson about turn-taking and creative problem solving. Or, a make-believe game becomes an opportunity to encourage self-esteem and emotional regulation.

How can Play Therapy be helpful?

Play Therapy can be used to treat a wide range of issues; including, anxiety, depression, trauma, ADHD, and grief. It is typically used for clients who are 5-12 years old, but research also shows play to be beneficial for teenagers and adults. Play therapy is used by a trained therapist who is knowledgeable about the use and benefits of play. If this practice seems like something you might be interested in for your family, reach out to our counseling center at Brentwood Counseling Associates to match you with the right therapist.

Resources:

brentwood counseling associates blog

The path to a meaningful future is through your past

“What do you think of when you consider your past?”

This question was posed to me by a therapist many years ago. I wasn’t sure how to answer the question. The simple truth is that I hadn’t considered my past much at all. So I stammered something about my past being a random collection of experiences, events and relationships. At the time I was too busy to think about my past. To make matters worse, since birth I had been immersed in a culture that was future oriented. In my culture, considering the past was understood to be a waste of time. If it did not contribute to efficiency and productivity it was considered useless.

Sound familiar?

But what I have learned since then is that I don’t have a ‘past.’

I have a story.

Fast forward a bunch of years. Now I get to pose this important question to clients.

And it is important.

Here’s why: Your past defines everything about how you interpret and filter every relationship, interaction and experience. To quote Faulkner: “The past is never dead. It’s not even past.”

Let’s face it: we all want to “feel better” in some way. But by engaging, learning, and studying our lives as a story, we can begin to do the hard and meaningful work of “getting well.”

Put another way, the first adventure on the path to a meaningful future is through your past.

Becoming an expert at your own story allows you to understand your life:

  • How you understand yourself and your place in the world?
  • How and why you interpret experiences the way you do?
  • Why do you do what you do?
  • What do you truly love and why?
  • What are the seats of your great loves and the anchors of your great fears?

So, where do we start?

First, it is helpful to understand that every story shares some common characteristics:

Chapters: Stories are usually divided into chapters or acts and scenes. First, divide your life into developmental chapters. For example, you may consider this framework:

  • Birth-8 years old
  • 8-12 years old
  • Middle and high school
  • College/emerging adulthood (18-30)
  • Early middle adulthood (30-40)
  • Middle adulthood (40-55)
  • Late middle adulthood (55-65)
  • Later adulthood (65+)

Feel free to use whatever framework makes sense to you and helps you to understand your life as a story.

Relationships: Aside from Tom Hanks hanging out with a volleyball on a deserted island, I can’t recall a single movie or story that did not revolve around relationships. Relationships are what define a story. The first step in understanding your life as a story is to trace the line of meaningful relationships beginning with your earliest caregivers and siblings. You may want to consider friends, teachers, coaches, neighbors and many others who you consider to have had a meaningful effect on your life. (Note: this can be both positive and negative). It is important to note that the earliest relationships and experiences tend to have a more significant effect

Experiences: Begin charting meaningful experiences as they come to mind. Again, these can be both positive and negative. Some experiences you may want to consider:

  • The birth or death of a family member or a friend
  • The beginning or end of a romantic relationship
  • Graduation from high school or college
  • Job changes
  • Illness or injury
  • A personal loss
  • Significant accomplishments

Plot twists: These are the events and circumstances that upend our understanding of how the world works. These are times when you experienced significant disorientation and disorder. These experiences almost always have a profound effect on our lives and often serve as initiation points for transition from one chapter of life to the next.

Meaning and themes: Look for themes that show up throughout these dynamics: Relationship patterns, fear, anxiety, hope and joy.

  • What events or relationships do you celebrate as meaningful and significant?
  • What do you look back on with regret and/or shame?
  • What are consistent patterns where fear or anxiety drove decisions?

This work is not for the faint of heart and should not be taken lightly. To venture back into experiences of hurt, betrayal and pain risks retraumatization. Therefore, you may want to consider being guided through this process with a skilled therapist. A therapist can accompany you and provide an empathic container to hold your experiences and partnership in creating new meaning. If you would like to learn more about this approach, this recent article will provide more information.

If you’re interested in learning more about how you can become an expert of your story, contact us at Brentwood Counseling Associates. You can find out more information about me here. You can call our office at 615-377-1153 or our office manager Jane Jenkins at jane@brentwoodcounseling.com.

Is Teletherapy right for you? Pros and Cons

Is Teletherapy right for you? Pros and Cons

Prior to the pandemic, teletherapy was something that was available but not being utilized to the extent it is now. The rise of COVID-19 compelled us all to explore virtual access to meet a number of our needs. Now, many more individuals have had first-hand experience of the benefits and efficacy of teletherapy. In fact, many now prefer it. Below we will explore the pros and cons of teletherapy as well as discussing what to expect in order to help you decide if it is right for you.

The Pros:

Efficacy

Does it work? A very reasonable and common question is whether or not Teletherapy video sessions are as effective as in-person therapy options. According to the American Psychological Association research on teletherapy has been ongoing since 1960. Findings show that video teletherapy is as effective as in-person sessions in treating a wide variety of psychological disorders such as Anxiety, Depression, PTSD and Adjustment Disorders to name a few. Though research is ongoing, it is safe to say that psychologists agree in teletherapy being an effective form of psychotherapy treatment.

Convenience

Who doesn’t love a convenient option? Many people struggle with finding time to schedule sessions due to busy work days or school conflicts. Teletherapy increases access to many by eliminating commute times. Many people are able to find an hour in their schedule to make time for a session while avoiding the time commitment of travel time.

Access

Limited therapy access in your area? Rural areas sometimes have limited access to therapy services and are forced to undergo long travel times to find accommodations for themselves or their children. This can interfere with work and school responsibilities making the therapy process unnecessarily stressful. Unforeseeable instances of inclement weather or minor sickness can sometimes create barriers for therapy attendance. Teletherapy can provide a solution to these issues through creating access.

Comfort

Feeling anxious about your first session? While this is completely normal, feeling anxious about your first therapy session can sometimes be enough to cause people to forgo treatment altogether. Being able to curl up on your couch, with your dog and still have a session with a professional can make the process seem less daunting for some. As long as you are able to secure a private location in your home or office for an hour you are able to have a confidential and comfortable teletherapy session.

The Cons:

Therapeutic environment

You are responsible for creating your own therapeutic environment. Sometimes people are distracted during a session by their dog barking in the background, children coming into their room to ask a question, the load of unfolded laundry in the corner, etc. It can be tempting to multitask during sessions and this can unfortunately interfere with therapeutic connection and/or progress. These distractions can usually be problem solved however, for some, this a deal breaker no longer making teletherapy the right choice.

Difficulty finding a private location

Similar to the issue described above, some feel anxious about having a private location to talk with their therapist virtually. Therapists are legally and ethically bound to comply with HIPAA privacy guidelines, which ensures they are the only party present in their location during your sessions. However, sometimes adults and teens feel as though they are unable to ensure their own private location away from listening ears.

Technology

One of the expected downfalls of internet communication is that there is always a chance of poor connection or even lost connection all together. This can definitely make it difficult to build rapport or work through therapeutic content when it occurs. Even if your telehealth therapist has a plan in place in case you do get disconnected, such as continuing over the phone or troubleshooting the issue, it can still be a frustrating barrier to treatment if it occurs consistently. Having a strong internet connection in general is a necessity to be able to participate in teletherapy services and should be considered.

May not be appropriate for all presenting issues

A very important item to note is that teletherapy is not appropriate for everyone who is seeking teletherapy services. Some psychiatric illnesses may be too severe or require more thorough monitoring making teletherapy insufficient to meet their needs. This is something that a teletherapist should be able to assess at the initial session in order to determine whether they can continue to see you based on presenting issues. At this point your teletherapist will be able to refer you to someone more appropriate to meet your needs.

What to expect in your first session?

The first step is to reach out to a therapist you’ve identified who offers teletherapy to set up an initial intake appointment.

In that first appointment your therapist will review confidentiality, potential barriers to teletherapy treatment and how to troubleshoot connection issues. The therapist will then begin getting to know you and gathering presenting issues, background information and what you may be looking for from treatment. This will ensure you and the therapist are a good fit.

Follow up appointments will be scheduled at the end of sessions and payment will most likely be collected at the end of the appointment. In some cases, a clinic manager may have already asked to place a card on file for you to aid in the convenience of payment.

If you are interested in beginning teletherapy services Brentwood Counseling Associates would love to assist you. We have a number of therapists offering both in person and teletherapy options. Whether you are seeking services for yourself or for your child it’s likely we have someone who can help. For more information or to schedule your first session please give us a call at 615-377-1153 to talk to our office manager, Jane Jenkins. Jane has been with the practice for more than 20 years and is great at helping you think through your needs and choose an appropriate therapist.

A woman standing on a dock overlooking a lake on a sunny winter day.

Maximizing Wellbeing During the 2020 Holiday Season

You might be wondering if that’s even possible. 2020 has been a challenge, to say the least. There’s no doubt that it’s left a lot of us feeling increased loneliness, isolation, worry, boredom, and frustration. Nothing about this year has felt normal, and most of us have had to make at least some adjustments.

Fortunately, it’s gone relatively well for some. But others have seen their mental health decline due to the lack of social support, fears about health and financial security, and the prolonged loss of our old way of life. And for those who’ve lost loved ones or jobs due to the pandemic, or have worked the front lines non-stop, things might be feeling particularly hopeless. Anxiety and depression are on the uptick, both for those who’ve wrestled with them previously, and for those who never have.

Under normal circumstances, the holidays can serve as a buffer against emotional struggles, offering folks the chance to spend meaningful time with family and friends and renew their hope and optimism for better things to come in the new year. But this time of the year can also be challenging for those who don’t experience joy during this season. For people who’ve suffered a significant loss, for example, or who are grappling with ongoing illness, addiction, or strained family relationships, the holidays only serve as a reminder of the things they don’t have.

Whatever the holidays mean for you under normal circumstances, you’ll likely have to adjust to a different – 2020 – version of them. If the year has already left you feeling stressed, you might be wondering how you’ll get through this season with your wellbeing intact. Here are a few ideas.

Connect with Yourself

When was the last time you checked in with yourself about how you’re doing? We’ve all been burdened with a keen awareness that things aren’t right this year, and the holidays will probably only serve to reinforce that. But how often do you examine and identify exactly what you’re feeling, and more importantly, allow yourself to express it? This kind of emotional catharsis is key to good mental health because it keeps things from building up and boiling over, or showing up in the form of depression or anxiety. It can also prevent unhealthy coping mechanisms such as addiction, which often arise through efforts to numb difficult feelings.

You might choose to deeply connect with your feelings on your own by journaling, or with a trusted friend or family member or a helping professional. Or you might find that you resonate more with an artistic form of emotional expression such as painting, singing, or dancing. However it is that you get in touch with your feelings and move them outside of yourself, try to prioritize doing it. And remember to take good care of yourself afterward. Emotional work is hard work, and you deserve to reward yourself. So make a plan to do something rejuvenating as a follow-up. This will replenish your emotional reserve, and make you more likely to engage in such emotional catharsis again.

It’s important to note that if connecting deeply with your emotions leaves you feeling in immediate crisis, please call the Tennessee Statewide Mental Health Crisis Line at 855-CRISIS-1 (855-274-7471).

Connect with Others

During this time of suggested isolation, it’s more important than ever to prioritize quality connection with others. You might not be able to physically be with family and friends this holiday season, so you’ll need to be extra intentional about making your virtual interactions meaningful. Whereas moments together in “normal” years might have been filled with small talk and shared activities where you’re not really connecting very deeply, consider packing your shorter interactions with more meaningful communication. A stronger emotional closeness such as this could go a long way in making the physical distance more tolerable.

For example, you might ask those you care about to share with you what they’ve truly been through this year; find out about their struggles and where they’ve found unexpected joy. Ask them if they consider this year to be the hardest one they’ve lived through, or if some other circumstance in their past was more challenging. Share with each other your coping mechanisms and explore what you wish you were doing a better job with.

Or tell someone who’s really important to you what you’re grateful for in your relationship with them. You might not often do this, but it can give definition to the more ambiguous good feelings you get when you’re with them. It will give them some insight into the special qualities they bring to the relationship, and help you understand the things you find essential in one. You’ll both likely learn a lot about yourselves and about your relationship, too.

With older relatives, consider finding out more about their childhood or what their lives were like when they’re the same age you are now. Or ask what their younger hopes and dreams were, or how they ended up following a particular career path or hobby. Find out if there’s anything they wish they’d known at your age or done differently. In learning so much about someone else, you might be surprised to find that you also learn something about yourself.

Cut Yourself Some Slack

Since there’s not been much normalcy this year, why expect the usual things of yourself? Especially during the holidays, it’s easy for our self-expectations to become perfectionistic in nature. Instead, strive toward making them as realistic as possible. And given that it is 2020, after all, perhaps even expect quite a bit of deviation from the norm. If old holiday traditions are scrapped, try to consider this year as an opportunity to develop new ones – and look forward to future years when you can reflect on this one and be grateful that you made it through.

Practice gratitude around the things you’re thankful are still a part of your life. Remember that this season of our lives is temporary. It’s easier to maintain flexibility when we have faith that at some point, things will return to normal. And break your forward-thinking into manageable chunks – get through one afternoon or day at a time instead of thinking in terms of weeks or months. You’ll feel much more accomplishment and much less overwhelmed.

And if you’re grieving a significant loss this season, allow yourself to feel the sadness around it. Remember to engage in plenty of replenishing self-care, and give yourself permission to do this holiday season differently than usual. Remain flexible, doing only the holiday activities you have the energy and emotional reserve for – not necessarily all the ones you’ve done in the past. And consider honoring the loss as part of your holiday tradition this year. Acknowledging it, as painful as it might feel in the moment, can be a significant part of your grieving process.

If you’ve tried everything you can think of and you’re still feeling burdened with the weight of 2020 this holiday season, don’t hesitate to reach out to someone in the helping profession. Our therapists at Brentwood Counseling Associates are currently offering both in-person and virtual counseling sessions to support you during this time. Sometimes it’s just too hard to do it all on your own, and that’s where we come in. So please reach out and let us know how we can help.

mental health and covid-19

Mental Health and COVID-19: What’s Normal in the New Normal?

The new normal. Mental health and COVID-19. If you’re wondering how to optimize wellness during the current pandemic, you’re not alone. Over the past few weeks, many of us have shifted to working, learning, grocery shopping, exercising, and hair cutting from home. Instead of spending time in person with friends, family, and co-workers, we talk at our phone and computer screens to stay in touch. The days blend into each other now that we have no places to go or people to see, and we do our best to put some sort of structure to them. And in the time of COVID-19, we consider ourselves lucky if those are our biggest concerns. Some have experienced much more devastating changes due to the loss of jobs, health, and even life. They’ve lost everything, and fear for how much worse it will get before it gets better. This would have all seemed unbelievable just a couple of months ago, and yet, it’s where we find ourselves.

It’s safe to say that the COVID-19 pandemic has changed things for all of us, whether it’s simply the loss of our old way of life, or a much more tragic one. And during these times, it can be helpful to understand what we’re going through in the context of grief. When we think of loss in the traditional sense, we think of the death of a loved one or the end of a significant relationship. But our feelings and reactions to this pandemic are much like what we go through when we grieve. We’re grieving the loss of the way things used to be. And just as some people have a harder time working through the grief process, some folks are finding it harder to adapt to the loss of our old way of life. In this article, we’ll explore some of the normal, common reactions to our new reality, and identify some red flags to watch out for. We’ll also offer a few suggestions about how to grieve the loss of the old normal, and shift into the new one, in a healthy way.

Mental Health and COVID-19

Denial, Shock, and Disbelief

Much like a sudden and unexpected death, the drastic changes we had to make during the month of March seemed to happen overnight. We were caught off guard, and a sense of shock and disbelief set in. We were hopeful that schools and sporting events might start back up at best, in a couple of weeks, and at worst, maybe a month. In those first few days, we just couldn’t fathom that we might be in this for the long haul. The idea that this virus would be so contagious that we’d all need to wall ourselves off from the rest of society seemed like something from a blockbuster science fiction film, not from 21st-century America.

But it wasn’t unlike the denial phase of grief, when we find it hard to believe that a loss is real. Imagine the person, for example, who, soon after a breakup, holds out hope for a reconciliation. When a new way of being is too painful for us to bear, it takes some time to absorb the reality of it. And this denial phase of grief seems to have happened to a lot of us during those early days of quarantine.

But denying that things are different keeps us from doing the things we need to do to stay healthy – in the age of COVID-19, physical distancing, or washing your hands, for example. It can also delay our transition to a new normal, and keep us in a holding pattern of sorts that prevents us from developing new routines. Part of good mental health is having the flexibility to create new versions of our old routines when we’re forced to change our daily lives. For example, just because you can’t go to the gym for six weeks doesn’t mean you have to be a couch potato the whole time. Your new exercise routine might not look much like your old one, but the ability to find ways to approximate it is vital to transitioning into your new normal. Taking a flexible approach when shifting each part of your daily routine is one way to make the overall change seem less overwhelming.

Getting Stuck

As we made the initial adjustment to our new routines, many of us found the extra time relaxing. No more drive time meant we could stay in bed a little longer and skip ironing our pants. Some of us even scrapped the professional look altogether and went straight to sweatpants and ball caps – relaxation at its finest! Hours upon hours at home also lends itself to binge watching TV shows or movies, often snacking while doing so. Downtime is a critical piece of optimal mental health, and many of us weren’t getting enough of it until now. There’s something to be said for our newfound comfort with presenting our “real” selves to the world – long, graying, messy hair, and all. Letting go of our old pretenses around image is a sign of vulnerability, which allows us to connect more deeply with others. Because we’re getting a glimpse into the real world of our colleagues, friends, and family members, we may end up feeling closer to them, because we can see that they’re much like us.

But what happens when the media binges go on so long that we miss sleep or meals, or fall down on the job? Or when one day blends into another so much so that we lose track of hygiene and stop showering or brushing our teeth? These patterns are easy to slip into, and are very common during the grief process. When we’ve lost a critical part of our old way of life, it’s not unusual to get stuck “waiting” for things to return to normal. But putting everything on hold is a signal that adaptation to the new normal isn’t going so well.

Having balance and structure to the seemingly endless days is crucial to maintaining good mental health during these times. You don’t have to create a down-to-the-minute schedule and stick to it; remember that the point is to be flexible during this time. But having some general expectations for each day isn’t a bad thing. It may be helpful to think about this, for example, in terms of physical health, work, and relaxation. A goal might be to aspire to include some work, some rest/relaxation, some movement, and adequate sleep and nutrition. This is just a starting place, though. Think about what’s important to you (spirituality is one example that comes to mind), and consider how that might fit into your daily plan around balance.

Going into Overdrive

What about when your problem is not doing too little, but doing too much? With calendars cleared of extracurricular and social activities, hours are suddenly opened up to devote to those long-delayed household projects. Backs of cabinets and closets have been cleaned out. Lawns are immediately immaculate. And pantries and desk drawers have been organized. Many of us have even taken up new hobbies or returned to old ones. It’s felt good that we’ve been able to make the most of these strange, scary new times by being productive. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But for some, along with all this new productivity came the expectation that they should be doing something fruitful with the extra time, all the time.

It’s not uncommon for people who are grieving to go to such an extreme after experiencing a significant loss. We see a lot of folks who throw themselves into work as a way to cope during the grief process. Staying busy is a way to distract ourselves from painful feelings about the loss. It’s also a way to feel like we’re taking back some control over our lives when it seems like everything has spun out of control. But that busy-ness itself can also spiral out of control, to the point that our mental health suffers. We can start using activities to push down our true feelings of sadness about the loss. Or we can start basing our self-worth on our productivity, feeling guilt and shame when we’re not getting enough done.

It’s important during these times to examine our motives for checking off to-do list after to-do list, and to check in on what emotions we might be using those activities to avoid. Such check-ins with ourselves and others about how we’re really doing with all these changes are vital to maintaining good mental health in this new normal. Don’t be afraid to identify and express whatever you’re feeling, whether on your own through journaling, for example, or with another person. If there’s not anyone in your life with whom you would feel comfortable doing this, please consider reaching out to a trusted professional. From counselors to clergy members, there are people ready to help.

Other Suggestions for Finding a Healthier New Normal

In addition to the suggestions given already, consider limiting time spent reading about the pandemic. It’s good to have information and be up-to-date on the latest recommendations. But given the tragic nature of much of the news these days, information overload can leave you feeling helpless, hopeless, and scared.

Not only can placing parameters on the time you spend consuming COVID-19 information help, but so can giving back. It can easily feel like our sense of control has been robbed from us these days. But helping others, and feeling like you’re really making a difference, can bring it back. Making masks, taking part in a quarantine birthday parade, joining in on a big round of applause for our health care providers, and donating money or food to a food bank are just some examples of ways people have been volunteering their time or resources.

And if you already struggle with stress management or mental health concerns such as depression, anxiety, or addiction, or if you’re going through an additional loss during this time, you’ll need to take extra good care of yourself right now. If you need help finding someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to contact us at Brentwood Counseling Associates. We’d be happy to help you determine who’d be a good fit for your needs and situation. Whether it’s someone in our practice or somewhere else, we just want to be sure you’re getting the support you need during this time.

Explore ways to turn teen anxiety into resilience at Brentwood Counseling Associates.

Teen Anxiety: Why It Can Be Necessary and What Can Be Gained

Every living creature experiences anxiety. Anxiety is necessary for survival and adaptation. Normal teen anxiety is common, and generally short-lived. In today’s fast paced world, however, we live in a culture that suggests any anxiety is bad and a person who struggles with it, including adolescents, is weak or faulty. Society is so eager to diagnose a person with an official disorder.

Teenagers have been taught the need to be perfect. They have received participation trophies for their whole lives. Social media is used as a tool to present an edited/photoshopped sense of perfection. Many students get to retake their test in school to increase their GPA. We have created people who have never experienced failure. When one has been protected and has never struggled to achieve, they are often unequipped to handle the smallest mistakes later in life. These first failures can be crippling and can lead to catastrophic feelings once the safety nest of parental protection is removed.

Yet there are many positives once you learn to embrace your anxiety or face your nervousness. Studies have shown how the power of facing adversity can create resiliency. Resiliency is the ability to overcome challenges of any kind. The mastery of resiliency takes time and training. It is especially important for teenagers to have safe places where they can experiment with failing and facing their fears/anxieties.

3 Proven Ways to Deal with Teen Anxiety

SHARE INTENTIONALLY – Create a space for teenagers to share both successes and failures as well as opportunities to see others (more importantly adults) talk about their ups and downs. This expands a teen’s view of normal anxiety and overcoming failure, and can take place at the dinner table, a small group setting, or during prayer time.

HIGHLIGHT STRENGTHS – Find ways to highlight a teenager’s gifts. Too often, teenagers can overly magnify their smallest perceived flaws. Highlighting strengths over weaknesses, teens learn how to overcome anxiety and stress brought on by a hyper focus on the negative. We all have many different talents that are unique to each of us. Helping a teenager name their gift(s) allows them to see more than the negatives. The second part of this step is to brainstorm with them ways for the teenager to use these gifts in their everyday lives. Be specific. Challenge them to find ways to engage with their gifts daily and celebrate them when they do use them, even if it does not work out as planned.

NORMALIZE & FOSTER MENTAL TOUGHNESS – Remind teenagers that it is okay to have bad days and being mental strong is not about having it together all the time. Help them see past our society’s unhealthy need for perfection to learn that anxiety can be seen as an opportunity to grow rather than a threat or personal flaw. Mental toughness and resiliency are strengthened by learning to embrace anxiety/uncomfortableness and take action anyway. The more often a person steps into their challenges, the stronger and more confident they can become.

Ready to schedule an appointment? Contact Brentwood Counseling Associates and connect with one of our experienced therapists.

What are the signs your child may need counseling?

Signs Your Child May Need Counseling

So, you’re wondering if your child needs a therapist and are asking yourself, “Is this (fill in the blank) normal?” I completely understand. There are a lot of worries surrounding parenting and wanting the best for your child. I want to start by saying, parents, you are the expert of your child, no one knows them better than you. Often times, parents will come into my office saying that they can sense that there is something going on with their child but they just aren’t sure if it’s normal or if it’s something they should be concerned about. I will acknowledge that sometimes it is hard to say because there can be a fine line between normal and “let’s get some help with this.” Let’s briefly talk about the definition of a “normal” child and some signs your child may need counseling from a professional therapist.

So, what’s normal?

There’s no perfect child or parent and there is some normalcy in having fluctuations in mood and behavior that are part of normal child development. Children do break the rules sometimes. I know how frustrating it can be to have your child not follow directions but testing limits is how they learn who they are and how the world works. This also creates the opportunity for you to teach them valuable lessons while they are still within your safety net and can receive your guidance and support. Sometimes, however, persistent behavior problems can be a sign of something more serious. Another thing that can be normal is changes in appetite and sleep. Have they been on a school break recently? Are they off their routine? Sometimes changes in routine can affect things like sleep and appetite. However, these changes should be monitored and if they persist beyond a couple of weeks it could be an indication that something is up.

Here are some common experiences that may trigger signs your child may need counseling with a professional therapist:

  1. Life Transitions – Sometimes change is inevitable and not all change is bad. However, sometimes kids struggle when they experience too many life changes all at once. What could be a small change for you could be having a more difficult impact on your child. Did you and your child recently move? Or did they have a change in school? It can be normal to see a brief change in your child’s behavior when they are going through life transitions. As adults, even for us we need time to adjust and get our bearings after a recent move or change in job. However, if changes in sleep, appetite or mood persist for more than a couple of weeks it could be an indication they are having difficulty handling things.
  2. Household chaos – Every family has some sort of dysfunction. Parents are people too and sometimes may have disagreements with one another, other adults, or even their children. These disagreements don’t always have a negative effect on children, but they can. Problems arise when children witness highly emotional arguments between parents, or between parents and other individuals, physical violence (pushing, hitting, shoving, etc.), someone important to them leaves the household.
  3. Separation from parent – Separations from your child can occur for many reasons (divorce, changes in custody, parents traveling for work), some reasons aren’t controllable, it doesn’t always mean it’s going negatively impact your child. There may be times in which you are not always able to be with your child. As children get older and are gaining autonomy, this is quite normal and appropriate. However, until they reach middle school children are heavily reliant on parents to meet their emotional, physical, and basic needs. I believe what is important is that children are able to maintain healthy access to parents as much as possible. It’s important to keep a close watch on how your child is handling separations from you. Problems can easily arise if a child feels their ‘safe place’ is being threatened.
  4. Death of a family member or friend – Loss is a normal part of life, and grief is not pathology. Children are able to process the death of a loved one effectively if it’s talked about and handled appropriately. Problems arise when they don’t understand what they’re feelings, have been given untruthful information or they feel its unsafe to share their feelings. Regardless, it can always be helpful to have assistance from a counselor to foster a healthy grieving process.
  5. A frightening life event – When most people think of traumatic experiences, they immediately think of things such as abuse (physical, emotional, sexual) or neglect. In these instances, counseling is always recommended regardless the presence of symptoms.
    But what if it’s not abuse or neglect? Can other things be traumatic for children? The quick answer is yes. Again, it’s important to hold in mind the perspective of a child. Something could be scary to your child that isn’t scary to you: a traumatic doctor visit, a car accident (even minor), sickness of a parent, experiencing a major natural disaster, experience with death like attending a funeral, to name a few. Young children are highly susceptible to the ‘emotion in the room’. Were other people stressed, upset or crying? If so, this could have been a traumatic experience for a young child who doesn’t understand or isn’t able to express the event’s impact.
  6. Bullying – Parents, you are unable to protect their children from everything and unfortunately, most people will have experienced some form of bullying within their life. Most of us are able to overcome this experience with support. It’s important to engage in regular check-ins about peer relationships to create the opportunity for healthy conversation with your child. This also creates the opportunity for your child to gain skills from you on how to handle stressful situations. However, sometimes, bullying is persistent. Persistent experiencing of threats to physical safety or criticism can lead to feelings of low self-esteem or worthlessness. In these cases, if can be helpful to have support from a counselor to work on healthy ways to problem solve and cope.

If your child has experienced one or more of the above it doesn’t necessarily mean they will need additional support. However, it is always a good idea to monitor your child when they are going through these experiences so you can identify warning signs your child may need counseling. Some of these signals can be:

  • Difficulty managing emotional outbursts
  • Behavior that does not respond to discipline
  • Persistent difficulty falling or staying asleep
  • Persistent increase or decrease in appetite
  • Behavior that interferes with school
  • Behavior that interferes with social interactions
  • Self-injury or talk about suicide

How can a therapist help?

Therapy can look different depending on the age of the client. With young children its often a misconception they cannot benefit from therapy because they aren’t able to understand or articulate their feelings. Research search tells us that children are able to express themselves through ways other than verbal expression. A common way is through play or other expressive activities like drawing. Children communicate their perception of the world through play and its therapeutic for them to share their feelings in this manner. It is necessary for parents to participate in therapeutic process. This creates opportunity for therapists or parents to assist the child in labeling his or her own feelings and experiences. Incorporating emotional identification and healthy coping strategies can be extremely effective in supporting children who have had stressful experiences. Being understood and having support increases the efficacy for behavior changes and overall positive functioning. As children get older, therapists are able to incorporate more verbal processing and problem solving. However, regardless the age a therapist can be an integral part of aiding in healthy development and overcoming difficult experiences.

Armed with a little more knowledge, the signs that your child may need counseling might be a little more evident. Ready to schedule an appointment? Contact Brentwood Counseling Associates and connect with one of our experienced therapists.

 

 

marriage counseling in Brentwood, TN

Marriage Counseling: More Than Just a Last Resort

Marriage counseling. What do those words bring to mind? Impending divorce? A last-ditch effort? Couples often do seek marital therapy when the relationship doesn’t seem like it can possibly continue. But marriage counseling can also serve to strengthen healthy relationships that have simply gotten off-track somewhere along the way. Every marriage is different, and many different relationship dynamics create tension or outright conflict between spouses. But couples fall into lots of common traps that, with some understanding, don’t necessarily have to mean the end of the road for the marriage.

Different marriage templates

Think about the kind of relationship dynamics you witnessed between your parents. Were they outwardly affectionate with each other? Did they argue in a healthy way? Did they nurture their marriage with date nights or getaways without the kids? The kinds of patterns you observed as a child all contributed to your understanding of what marriage looks like. Healthy or not, their relationship became your template for marriage. After all, how many others did you observe so closely for so many years?

When couples marry with very different examples of what a marriage is, they bring with them assumptions about what the role of “spouse” entails. And often, those assumptions don’t mesh. For example, let’s say one spouse came from a family where the parents spoke several times by phone during the day. And let’s say the other spouse had a parent who traveled for work and only called home once during those week-long trips. If expectations about frequency of communication are not discussed, misunderstandings and hurt feelings can result. This is just one way that different marriage templates can create conflict. But understanding them can open up a couple’s discussion and negotiation about what they want from each other and the marriage.

Differences in problem-solving styles

Problem-solving is another area in marriages where interpersonal differences often go unnoticed. Think about what you need the most when you have a problem. Some of us get a lot out of simply being heard and having our feelings validated. But others only feel better after they’ve arrived at a solution. Understandably, a spouse who just needs to “vent” about a problem may feel frustrated by their partner’s suggestions about how to “fix” it. But if each had known the other’s needs up front, that frustration could have been avoided.

But what about when the problem is between the spouses? Differences in conflict-resolution styles can make problem-solving even harder. For example, one spouse might discuss problems calmly and rationally, whereas the other might bring heated emotions into the mix. Or one might prefer to address only the current concern, with the other bringing up similar concerns from the past. Identifying a couple’s differences in problem-solving styles can keep conflict from escalating into something beyond the original issue.

Difficulty adjusting the marriage to the season of life

Another trap that healthy marriages often fall into is failing to keep up with life-cycle transitions. This is a very common concern, and is often what brings couples into therapy. Dating and marriage take place during one snapshot of a couple’s life. And when their individual or joint life circumstances change, they often forget to reassess how the marriage will also shift. These transitions are often related to children, careers, or finances. Change any of these things, and most likely there will need to be adjustments to the day-to-day workings of the marriage. We’ve all heard of empty-nesters who wake up one day and realize that they devoted so many years to raising a family that they scarcely know one another anymore. But think about other life-cycle transitions. Previously-childless couples who now have an infant must reevaluate how to maintain relationship-nurturing habits like date nights and sexual intimacy. Or a new job that requires lots of travel will probably mean a renegotiation of household and childcare duties. The constantly-changing nature of life demands marriages to keep up, and when this doesn’t happen, there can be bumps in the road.

The good news is that all of these concerns can be worked through with the help of a trusted professional. Sometimes it just takes an unbiased third party to facilitate discussion and negotiation, and to enhance communication skills. Contact us to find out more about how the therapists at Brentwood Counseling Associates can assist in getting your marriage back on track. A bump in the road doesn’t have to mean the end of it.

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