Category: <span>Relationships</span>

Children Relationships December 21, 2022 By Adrienne Thompson 0 Comments

Does Telling Your Kids About Santa Mean You’re Lying to Them?

This time of year usually seems to spark a debate about whether or not telling children about Santa Claus means parents are lying to them. Scroll through any social media platform and one can easily find some hot debates on if it is a good or bad thing to encourage Santa. And I can see the concern with both sides. Does celebrating Santa mean I am unintentionally lying to them? Will encouraging Santa mean I will harm our relationship in the future? Will my child lose trust in me forever the day they learn the truth about Santa? Is it okay to lie at all to my kids? From a child therapist perspective, I want to add some insight into this hot topic and hopefully calm those valid concerns.

First off, you will not cause irreparable harm to your child by telling about Santa and Christmas magic. But, there are a few ways in which we can continue the magic of the Christmas season and Santa while also preserving our relationship with our kids.

Don’t Use the Whole “Naughty” or “Nice,” “Good” or “Bad”

The classic song lyric, “you better watch out, you better not cry” may be a message about Santa I would encourage parents to let go of. The reason being is that when we connect our kid’s behavior to getting presents or the fun of Christmas, it places a lot of pressure for small kids to live up to. In fact, that pressure typically tends to backfire and lead to even MORE unwanted behaviors. The “naughty or nice” message can also mean that when our kids make mistakes then there’s a possibility that it can impact their self-esteem and self-worth. We don’t want our kids to think, “when I make a mistake that means I am bad”. We especially don’t want them to connect their self-worth to times of big feelings or mistakes. Instead, we want them to know that they will always be good kids even when they make mistakes because we will accept them no matter what they do or what they feel.

Frame Santa as a Magical Being, or Make Believe.

Okay, I hear the lying point. I get that idea of finding out as an older child that your parents told you all about this person who did all these wonderful things and it turned out that person wasn’t real. However, we do not need to lie to our kids to have Santa. Instead, what I would encourage for Santa is to frame him as a magical or make-believe person who brings Christmas cheer. Talk about Santa as you would about a TV character or a superhero. Refer to him as a magical being who brings the spirit of Christmas each year. Explain that Santa represents the “spirit of Christmas” by helping, giving and being kind to others. All qualities that we want our own children to one day practice.

Read Stories About Santa Together

Let’s not forget that the origin of Santa came from stories that have been passed down for generations. Reading stories about Santa together encourages that idea of talking about Santa as a fictional character. Discuss what Santa or the other characters did in the story that encourages the Christmas spirit of giving or helping others. Reading together also encourages an opportunity to connect and spend quality time with our children, which is what they will remember the most during the holidays.

Lastly, I want to add that you should always do what feels best for your family. Whether that is skipping Santa or keeping Santa. You know your family best. Talk about Santa in a way that best incorporates your family’s culture. I encourage you to celebrate Christmas in the way that helps everyone in your family enjoy the holidays.

Resources:

Letters from Father Christmas by J.R.R. Tolkien
The Night Before Christmas by Clement C. Moore
Miracle on 34th Street: Storybook Edition by Valentine Davies
The Saint Nick Story by Kate Davis

What are the signs your child may need counseling?

5 Easy Ways to Connect to Your Child

Why is it important to connect?

With the busy schedules we face as families, it is easy to get lost in the day to day grind. Between games, dance recitals, music lessons, and never ending homework, it can be easy to forget to set aside downtime to connect with our children. Why is it so important for us to set aside time to connect with our kiddos? Because connection is at the heart of what we need as humans. We are wired to connect with those we love, to remind us of our support systems in the time of need, and to feel wanted by others. As parents, it is so important to provide this to our children. Just as we meet our child’s physical needs with food, shelter, and extracurricular activities, our children also need to have their emotional needs met.

When we feel connected, secure, and safe, our brains are better able to manage all of the input they receive throughout the day. In a connected state, we are better equipped to handle big emotions and better able to problem solve when things don’t go our way. When children feel safe, loved and secure they are able to take risks because they know that someone will be there if they need them.

Now that we talked briefly about why it is important to connect, you may be thinking, “Gosh, now I have to add another thing to my do-list?” Well, thankfully, finding ways to connect can actually be quite simple. Moments of connection don’t have to be an hour-long process, it can be just a few minutes a day. I have some suggestions below, but find what works best for your family and your schedule. You can easily adapt any of these suggestions to different times of the day, or different frequencies. I typically suggest that you try at least one of these once a week. It doesn’t have to be the same each week, and you don’t have to do all of these at once. You know your child and your family best.

Suggestions for connection:

1. Play a familiar game with your child

Yes, it’s as easy as playing a board or a card game with your child. I encourage you both to put away your phones and play your favorite game together. Whether it’s Uno, Candyland, or Go-Fish, playing a board game can encourage connection and communication between the two of you. I have found that teenagers even benefit from this approach, though they might appreciate a more challenging board or card game. Competition should be off the table with this approach. If you notice your child or teen becoming frustrated, take a break or switch to a new game. Board games are a great way to practice turn-taking, empathy and joy with each other.

2. Eat family dinner or meals together

Family meal time is a perfect way to encourage connection. There’s something natural about sitting around at the dinner table and sharing stories about one’s day over a good meal. Now, I know many of you may not be able to do this every night, and you certainly don’t have to. But try to sit down as a family at least once or twice a week. Again, turn off the TV or phones and simply sit down with one another.

3. Create a ritual on the drive to or from school

If your child is under sixteen, you are probably driving them to school or extracurricular activities which means you are probably in the car together quite often. Creating a ritual or a moment of connection can easily be adapted to your busy driving schedule. For example, on your way to school you can each name something you are excited for, something you are nervous for, and something you are hopeful for the day. One family I know listens to their favorite audio book together. Another idea is to play a familiar car game. Get creative, those long drives and waiting in the carpool lines can be an excellent time for you to connect.

4. Set aside screen-free time at least once a week

This one goes into the other suggestions, but I encourage all families to set aside 1-hour free of screen time at least once a week. This means no phones, no TV, or tablets. Encourage your child to play a game outside with you, or work on a puzzle together. Whatever it is, remove distractions from technology so that you can focus on whatever game or activity you are doing together.

5. Find a special way to connect before bedtime

Creating a ritual of connection before bedtime can not only be helpful for your relationship with each other, but also promote healthy sleep. If you have a young child, this can look like reading a bedtime story together or cuddling before bed. An older child or teen, this can be sitting down with them one-on-one and talking about their day.

Whatever method you choose, find one that works for your family. By being intentional about spending time with your child, you are giving them the signal that you are there for them and that you support them when they need you.

If you or your child are still struggling, you don’t have to navigate this alone. Reach out to us to find a therapist that best fits you and your child’s needs.

Suggested Resources:

The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired By Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

Relationships Therapy August 19, 2022 By Richard Gorman 0 Comments

The path to a meaningful future is through your past

“What do you think of when you consider your past?”

This question was posed to me by a therapist many years ago. I wasn’t sure how to answer the question. The simple truth is that I hadn’t considered my past much at all. So I stammered something about my past being a random collection of experiences, events and relationships. At the time I was too busy to think about my past. To make matters worse, since birth I had been immersed in a culture that was future oriented. In my culture, considering the past was understood to be a waste of time. If it did not contribute to efficiency and productivity it was considered useless.

Sound familiar?

But what I have learned since then is that I don’t have a ‘past.’

I have a story.

Fast forward a bunch of years. Now I get to pose this important question to clients.

And it is important.

Here’s why: Your past defines everything about how you interpret and filter every relationship, interaction and experience. To quote Faulkner: “The past is never dead. It’s not even past.”

Let’s face it: we all want to “feel better” in some way. But by engaging, learning, and studying our lives as a story, we can begin to do the hard and meaningful work of “getting well.”

Put another way, the first adventure on the path to a meaningful future is through your past.

Becoming an expert at your own story allows you to understand your life:

How you understand yourself and your place in the world?
How and why you interpret experiences the way you do?
Why do you do what you do?
What do you truly love and why?
What are the seats of your great loves and the anchors of your great fears?

So, where do we start?

First, it is helpful to understand that every story shares some common characteristics:

Chapters: Stories are usually divided into chapters or acts and scenes. First, divide your life into developmental chapters. For example, you may consider this framework:

Birth-8 years old
8-12 years old
Middle and high school
College/emerging adulthood (18-30)
Early middle adulthood (30-40)
Middle adulthood (40-55)
Late middle adulthood (55-65)
Later adulthood (65+)

Feel free to use whatever framework makes sense to you and helps you to understand your life as a story.

Relationships: Aside from Tom Hanks hanging out with a volleyball on a deserted island, I can’t recall a single movie or story that did not revolve around relationships. Relationships are what define a story. The first step in understanding your life as a story is to trace the line of meaningful relationships beginning with your earliest caregivers and siblings. You may want to consider friends, teachers, coaches, neighbors and many others who you consider to have had a meaningful effect on your life. (Note: this can be both positive and negative). It is important to note that the earliest relationships and experiences tend to have a more significant effect

Experiences: Begin charting meaningful experiences as they come to mind. Again, these can be both positive and negative. Some experiences you may want to consider:

The birth or death of a family member or a friend
The beginning or end of a romantic relationship
Graduation from high school or college
Job changes
Illness or injury
A personal loss
Significant accomplishments

Plot twists: These are the events and circumstances that upend our understanding of how the world works. These are times when you experienced significant disorientation and disorder. These experiences almost always have a profound effect on our lives and often serve as initiation points for transition from one chapter of life to the next.

Meaning and themes: Look for themes that show up throughout these dynamics: Relationship patterns, fear, anxiety, hope and joy.

What events or relationships do you celebrate as meaningful and significant?
What do you look back on with regret and/or shame?
What are consistent patterns where fear or anxiety drove decisions?

This work is not for the faint of heart and should not be taken lightly. To venture back into experiences of hurt, betrayal and pain risks retraumatization. Therefore, you may want to consider being guided through this process with a skilled therapist. A therapist can accompany you and provide an empathic container to hold your experiences and partnership in creating new meaning. If you would like to learn more about this approach, this recent article will provide more information.

If you’re interested in learning more about how you can become an expert of your story, contact us at Brentwood Counseling Associates. You can find out more information about me here. You can call our office at 615-377-1153 or our office manager Jane Jenkins at jane@brentwoodcounseling.com.

Grief & Loss Relationships Trauma July 22, 2022 By Richard Gorman 0 Comments

Four things to keep in mind when supporting a friend in grief

My father lost his battle with cancer 15 years ago. He was 59. One of the most confusing dynamics of his death were the varied responses and reactions of my friends. Many responses were wonderful. But many were frustrating. Some were even hurtful.

One of the more challenging aspects of grief is how to support a friend or family member who has experienced intimate loss. The good news is that there are skills and approaches that we can learn in order to be more supportive and helpful for friends in grief. Here are a few things to keep in mind as we try to support a friend who has experienced intimate loss:

1. Be in touch with our own anxieties

One of the most important aspects of supporting a friend in grief is to be aware of the ways that their grief triggers our own fears. Many of us simply don’t know what to do with grief. Which makes sense because we live in a society that goes to great lengths to avoid and deny the reality of death. When someone close to us has experienced intimate loss it brings death really close to home: After all, if tragedy can happen to them then it can happen to us, right? This can be a terrifying revelation that upends our illusions of stability, safety, predictability and control. If we don’t get in touch with our anxieties then our attempts to support can degenerate to frantic attempts to make the bereaved feel better, fix the situation or avoid it altogether.

Following my father’s death, random encounters with friends in grocery stores would often result in them awkwardly dancing around the obvious situation–talking about weather, baseball, church–anything except my recent loss. I get it. We do this because we are afraid of “bringing it up” and “making it worse.” But grief can be isolating. Avoiding the issue reinforces the sense of isolation. The antidote is to be seen and known–to have one’s reality named and honored. When supporting friends in grief we need to be aware of and manage our fears. Realistic appraisal of our own mortality is not a fun process, but it can be very healthy and even liberating.

2. Don’t try to make them ‘feel better’

I attended a funeral several years ago. I overheard someone say “if you’re sad right now, you’re really just selfish and making this more about you– because he’s just fine right now!” This and many other damaging and misguided statements are said under the guise of helping the bereaved ‘feel better.’ Some of the more common phrases that fit this criteria are:

“You can always have another child,”
“They are in a better place now,”
“God must have wanted another angel”
“At least he died doing something he loved”

Unfortunately this list can go on and on.

These ill-advised statements are often an attempt to manage one’s own fears and discomfort (see point #1). The more helpful–and challenging–thing is to simply be present and say little. Statements like “I have no words” or “I love you and I am so so sorry” tend to be much more helpful–primarily because they are true. These statements give space for the person to feel how they are feeling and not feel blamed for ‘doing it wrong.’

3. There is no ‘getting over it’ or ‘moving on’

When a friend is in pain we naturally want to make it better. The hard truth is that we are forever changed by some of the things that happen to us. When it comes intimate loss there is no “getting over it” or getting “back to normal.”

In her book “It’s ok that you’re not ok: Meeting grief and loss in a culture that doesn’t understand,” grief expert Megan Devine writes: “If we talk about recovery from loss as a process of integration, of living alongside grief instead of overcoming it, then we can begin to talk about what might help you survive.” Eventually we can take steps forward–not in ‘moving past’ the grief, but in moving forward with the grief. The goal, ultimately, is not to ‘get back to normal’ but learning to eventually carry grief as we begin to move forward.

4. Be a “credible witness”

Grief expert, David Kessler, argues that the most important dynamic for grief to be processed well is empathic connection with another person who is willing to accompany the bereaved in their grief. Keller calls these people “credible witnesses” because they are able to be present and bear witness to the searing pain of traumatic loss without trying to fix it or “make it better.” Being with a person in pain is not easy. It forces us to confront our own fears. It is inconvenient. We may feel rejected. The truth is that nothing we do or say will make it better in the short term. A person in grief needs space to feel how they feel and to be seen and known without feeling that they are ‘doing it wrong’ or that they should feel better.

Grief is a complicated process that demands time, patience, understanding and active work for the bereaved as well as supporters. My hope is that more of us will grow in our ability to accompany friends and family through the searing pain of intimate loss. By becoming a ‘credible witness’ our friends will find a softer place to rest and be given the healing gift of empathy and presence.

Additional Resources:

There are many helpful books. Two that I recommend are:

““It’s ok that you’re not ok: Meeting grief and loss in a culture that doesn’t understand” – By Megan Devine
“Finding Meaning: The sixth stage of grief” – By David Kesslers

Additionally, there are many good podcasts and Ted talks. I recommend:

“The messy truth about grief” – Ted Talk by Nora McInerny
The “Grief Out Loud” podcast by the Dougy Center for Grieving Children and Families These interviews include survivors, experts and others who have experienced grief in myriad ways.

A woman standing on a dock overlooking a lake on a sunny winter day.

Anxiety Depression Grief & Loss Relationships Stress Therapy December 15, 2020 By Stephanie Insko, Ph. D 0 Comments

Maximizing Wellbeing During the 2020 Holiday Season

You might be wondering if that’s even possible. 2020 has been a challenge, to say the least. There’s no doubt that it’s left a lot of us feeling increased loneliness, isolation, worry, boredom, and frustration. Nothing about this year has felt normal, and most of us have had to make at least some adjustments.

Fortunately, it’s gone relatively well for some. But others have seen their mental health decline due to the lack of social support, fears about health and financial security, and the prolonged loss of our old way of life. And for those who’ve lost loved ones or jobs due to the pandemic, or have worked the front lines non-stop, things might be feeling particularly hopeless. Anxiety and depression are on the uptick, both for those who’ve wrestled with them previously, and for those who never have.

Under normal circumstances, the holidays can serve as a buffer against emotional struggles, offering folks the chance to spend meaningful time with family and friends and renew their hope and optimism for better things to come in the new year. But this time of the year can also be challenging for those who don’t experience joy during this season. For people who’ve suffered a significant loss, for example, or who are grappling with ongoing illness, addiction, or strained family relationships, the holidays only serve as a reminder of the things they don’t have.

Whatever the holidays mean for you under normal circumstances, you’ll likely have to adjust to a different – 2020 – version of them. If the year has already left you feeling stressed, you might be wondering how you’ll get through this season with your wellbeing intact. Here are a few ideas.

Connect with Yourself

When was the last time you checked in with yourself about how you’re doing? We’ve all been burdened with a keen awareness that things aren’t right this year, and the holidays will probably only serve to reinforce that. But how often do you examine and identify exactly what you’re feeling, and more importantly, allow yourself to express it? This kind of emotional catharsis is key to good mental health because it keeps things from building up and boiling over, or showing up in the form of depression or anxiety. It can also prevent unhealthy coping mechanisms such as addiction, which often arise through efforts to numb difficult feelings.

You might choose to deeply connect with your feelings on your own by journaling, or with a trusted friend or family member or a helping professional. Or you might find that you resonate more with an artistic form of emotional expression such as painting, singing, or dancing. However it is that you get in touch with your feelings and move them outside of yourself, try to prioritize doing it. And remember to take good care of yourself afterward. Emotional work is hard work, and you deserve to reward yourself. So make a plan to do something rejuvenating as a follow-up. This will replenish your emotional reserve, and make you more likely to engage in such emotional catharsis again.

It’s important to note that if connecting deeply with your emotions leaves you feeling in immediate crisis, please call the Tennessee Statewide Mental Health Crisis Line at 855-CRISIS-1 (855-274-7471).

Connect with Others

During this time of suggested isolation, it’s more important than ever to prioritize quality connection with others. You might not be able to physically be with family and friends this holiday season, so you’ll need to be extra intentional about making your virtual interactions meaningful. Whereas moments together in “normal” years might have been filled with small talk and shared activities where you’re not really connecting very deeply, consider packing your shorter interactions with more meaningful communication. A stronger emotional closeness such as this could go a long way in making the physical distance more tolerable.

For example, you might ask those you care about to share with you what they’ve truly been through this year; find out about their struggles and where they’ve found unexpected joy. Ask them if they consider this year to be the hardest one they’ve lived through, or if some other circumstance in their past was more challenging. Share with each other your coping mechanisms and explore what you wish you were doing a better job with.

Or tell someone who’s really important to you what you’re grateful for in your relationship with them. You might not often do this, but it can give definition to the more ambiguous good feelings you get when you’re with them. It will give them some insight into the special qualities they bring to the relationship, and help you understand the things you find essential in one. You’ll both likely learn a lot about yourselves and about your relationship, too.

With older relatives, consider finding out more about their childhood or what their lives were like when they’re the same age you are now. Or ask what their younger hopes and dreams were, or how they ended up following a particular career path or hobby. Find out if there’s anything they wish they’d known at your age or done differently. In learning so much about someone else, you might be surprised to find that you also learn something about yourself.

Cut Yourself Some Slack

Since there’s not been much normalcy this year, why expect the usual things of yourself? Especially during the holidays, it’s easy for our self-expectations to become perfectionistic in nature. Instead, strive toward making them as realistic as possible. And given that it is 2020, after all, perhaps even expect quite a bit of deviation from the norm. If old holiday traditions are scrapped, try to consider this year as an opportunity to develop new ones – and look forward to future years when you can reflect on this one and be grateful that you made it through.

Practice gratitude around the things you’re thankful are still a part of your life. Remember that this season of our lives is temporary. It’s easier to maintain flexibility when we have faith that at some point, things will return to normal. And break your forward-thinking into manageable chunks – get through one afternoon or day at a time instead of thinking in terms of weeks or months. You’ll feel much more accomplishment and much less overwhelmed.

And if you’re grieving a significant loss this season, allow yourself to feel the sadness around it. Remember to engage in plenty of replenishing self-care, and give yourself permission to do this holiday season differently than usual. Remain flexible, doing only the holiday activities you have the energy and emotional reserve for – not necessarily all the ones you’ve done in the past. And consider honoring the loss as part of your holiday tradition this year. Acknowledging it, as painful as it might feel in the moment, can be a significant part of your grieving process.

If you’ve tried everything you can think of and you’re still feeling burdened with the weight of 2020 this holiday season, don’t hesitate to reach out to someone in the helping profession. Our therapists at Brentwood Counseling Associates are currently offering both in-person and virtual counseling sessions to support you during this time. Sometimes it’s just too hard to do it all on your own, and that’s where we come in. So please reach out and let us know how we can help.

Premarital Counseling: Starting a Healthy New Relationship

Couples Therapy Marriage Relationships February 24, 2020 By Kris Lott 0 Comments

Premarital Counseling: Starting a Healthy Relationship

Congratulations on your engagement! Getting engaged is a thrilling first step toward a new life together with your partner. After the proposal, couples can become consumed with planning their perfect wedding. The details often become stressful and create new tension around wedding planning. There is a lot to consider: your dress, the invite list, who will be the best man, what song will be your first dance, what food should you serve, what is the budget, and more. One item, however, that should be on the top of your to-do list is Premarital Counseling.

Premarital Counseling is the first step to starting a new healthy relationship. This type of therapy allows the couple to discuss and work on strengthening communication skills, setting realistic expectations, and understanding what is important to each member of the couple. This is an opportunity to create a vision for the future healthy marriage. Below are 5 reasons why you should consider Premarital Counseling as your first step in your wedding planning.

Premarital Counseling creates space to make sure you are both on the same page. Stress and fears can create a lot of tension for new couples. This stress could develop from wedding planning, tension between what the new in-laws expect, or what type of ceremony you each want to have. Stress could also surround the budget or how the new couple will handle finances or debt. Beyond stress, couples carry fears into any new relationships. The “what ifs” (Is he going to always love me? What if she does not want children? Can I trust him again? How can I deal with her family?) often linger in the back of your mind. Premarital Counseling offers the couple a safe place to voice their fears and stress and help the couple begin to understand how each person copes with stress and what they need from their partner.

Premarital Counseling helps the couple know what each person is bringing into the marriage. Some of the most important work a new couple can do is understand how growing up in their own family creates norms and expectations that will influence the new marriage. Couples need to study each person’s family of origin (How was affection shown growing up? What about discipline? How did your family define success? What are important traditions of your family and how does it compare to your partner’s family traditions?). While you are not tied to live just like your family of origin, the past may influence you in how you view the family or marriage. In Premarital Counseling, a trained therapist can help the new couple navigate these past themes and create discussion on what the new couple values from their past.

Communication and the couple’s “rules of engagement” need to be a part of any Premarital Counseling. In Premarital Counseling, you can grow your communication skills and learn to identify your conflict cycle. Together, you will explore what are the common areas of conflict, and what does each partner need for a positive outcome. The goal is for the new couple to develop their own “rules of engagement” as well as begin to see the conflict cycle before it starts.

Premarital Counseling also explores the relationship for strengths and growth areas. Couples will learn where they currently excel as well as areas where they can improve. This focus will help a couple set and manage expectations and roles in the relationship. It is important to explore how each person in the couple views marital roles. Premarital Counseling also allows time for the couple to name roles they enjoy and roles where they are uncomfortable. This discussion will aid in setting a couple’s expectations about how decision making and responsibilities will be shared.

Creating a new vision. Premarital Counseling is a time for visioning and exploring what the couple is looking forward to and dreaming. Beyond their favorite traditions and expectations from their family of origin, Premarital Counseling offers space to voice shared goals and hopes for the new relationship. Premarital Counseling can be a fun time to dream big, name new traditions you hope to start in the new marriage, and name values your healthy marriage will stand on.

Click here for more information about premarital counseling at Brentwood Counseling Associates.

Couples Therapy Marriage Relationships Therapy November 12, 2018 By Stephanie Insko, Ph. D 0 Comments

Marriage Counseling: More Than Just a Last Resort

Marriage counseling. What do those words bring to mind? Impending divorce? A last-ditch effort? Couples often do seek marital therapy when the relationship doesn’t seem like it can possibly continue. But marriage counseling can also serve to strengthen healthy relationships that have simply gotten off-track somewhere along the way. Every marriage is different, and many different relationship dynamics create tension or outright conflict between spouses. But couples fall into lots of common traps that, with some understanding, don’t necessarily have to mean the end of the road for the marriage.

Different marriage templates

Think about the kind of relationship dynamics you witnessed between your parents. Were they outwardly affectionate with each other? Did they argue in a healthy way? Did they nurture their marriage with date nights or getaways without the kids? The kinds of patterns you observed as a child all contributed to your understanding of what marriage looks like. Healthy or not, their relationship became your template for marriage. After all, how many others did you observe so closely for so many years?

When couples marry with very different examples of what a marriage is, they bring with them assumptions about what the role of “spouse” entails. And often, those assumptions don’t mesh. For example, let’s say one spouse came from a family where the parents spoke several times by phone during the day. And let’s say the other spouse had a parent who traveled for work and only called home once during those week-long trips. If expectations about frequency of communication are not discussed, misunderstandings and hurt feelings can result. This is just one way that different marriage templates can create conflict. But understanding them can open up a couple’s discussion and negotiation about what they want from each other and the marriage.

Differences in problem-solving styles

Problem-solving is another area in marriages where interpersonal differences often go unnoticed. Think about what you need the most when you have a problem. Some of us get a lot out of simply being heard and having our feelings validated. But others only feel better after they’ve arrived at a solution. Understandably, a spouse who just needs to “vent” about a problem may feel frustrated by their partner’s suggestions about how to “fix” it. But if each had known the other’s needs up front, that frustration could have been avoided.

But what about when the problem is between the spouses? Differences in conflict-resolution styles can make problem-solving even harder. For example, one spouse might discuss problems calmly and rationally, whereas the other might bring heated emotions into the mix. Or one might prefer to address only the current concern, with the other bringing up similar concerns from the past. Identifying a couple’s differences in problem-solving styles can keep conflict from escalating into something beyond the original issue.

Difficulty adjusting the marriage to the season of life

Another trap that healthy marriages often fall into is failing to keep up with life-cycle transitions. This is a very common concern, and is often what brings couples into therapy. Dating and marriage take place during one snapshot of a couple’s life. And when their individual or joint life circumstances change, they often forget to reassess how the marriage will also shift. These transitions are often related to children, careers, or finances. Change any of these things, and most likely there will need to be adjustments to the day-to-day workings of the marriage. We’ve all heard of empty-nesters who wake up one day and realize that they devoted so many years to raising a family that they scarcely know one another anymore. But think about other life-cycle transitions. Previously-childless couples who now have an infant must reevaluate how to maintain relationship-nurturing habits like date nights and sexual intimacy. Or a new job that requires lots of travel will probably mean a renegotiation of household and childcare duties. The constantly-changing nature of life demands marriages to keep up, and when this doesn’t happen, there can be bumps in the road.

The good news is that all of these concerns can be worked through with the help of a trusted professional. Sometimes it just takes an unbiased third party to facilitate discussion and negotiation, and to enhance communication skills. Contact us to find out more about how the therapists at Brentwood Counseling Associates can assist in getting your marriage back on track. A bump in the road doesn’t have to mean the end of it.

Relationships September 18, 2018 By Stephanie Insko, Ph. D 0 Comments

Finding Deep Connection in the Age of Surface Relationships

by Stephanie Inkso

It’s all so easy. Swipe, like, love, share. All with the touch of a finger. We make quick judgments of current and potential friends and intimate partners based on one post or photo. And when we’re on the other side, we have the luxury of presenting our best selves to the world. Sure, these virtual interactions ensure much less risk of being rejected. But that risk is a natural component of human relationships, and by removing it, we have also robbed ourselves of the richness that deep interpersonal connection can provide.

In my work with teens and young adults over the past few years, I’ve heard over and over about the longing for a true relationship, including all the ups and downs, the good times and the bad. Clients talk about “surface” friendships, in which accomplishments are shared, but not missteps. It’s as though the online presentation of the perfect self is playing out in real life. Intimate relationships are being kept “surface,” too, but in name only. These no-strings-attached relationships have all the components of a committed dating relationship, but without the actual label. This trend is leaving many young adults hurt and confused, and unfortunately, often less likely to want to go down that path again. But with so many young adults wishing for more meaningful connections with others, what’s keeping them from doing so?

Sure, it’s truly easier to interact with others virtually instead of in reality. But I would argue that it actually makes it harder and harder over time to start using those one-on-one, in-person skills again. Think about a depiction of two older gentlemen sitting in rocking chairs passing the time of day. What in the world do they have to talk about? And how do they stand to sit in silence, should there be a lull in the conversation? I wonder if we’ve lost the ability to be comfortable in the presence of others without the distraction of technology to occupy our minds? Are we using our phones as protection from the potentially difficult feelings that are an inevitable part of true interpersonal connection?

Further, we can gain so much from the nonverbal interactions that occur when we spend time being present with others. Shared smiles and laughs. Eye contact. Facial expressions and body language that indicate being in sync with each other, or that something is wrong. These experiences all have so much more depth and meaning when experienced in person rather than through emojis. Sure, being truly present with another person opens us up to potential criticism, and even rejection. We see more in each other than the best selves that we usually present online. But the practice of being real with each other increases our comfort with the vulnerability that leads to deeper connection.

If you’re tired of surface relationships, counseling is a good place to start. You can examine the fears that hold you back, and practice being vulnerable with a trusted professional in a supportive space. One of us here at BCA would be more than happy to join you in this process. Sometimes we even offer interpersonal process groups, in which you can practice that newfound vulnerability with others who are also looking to deepen connections. Give us a call if there’s any way we can help.

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