Category: <span>Depression</span>

brentwood counseling associates blog

Getting Out of the Story in Your Head

We all have a story in our heads. It’s the narrative we tell ourselves about who we are, what we’re capable of, and how we fit into the world. It’s the lens through which we view our experiences and interpret the world. While our story can be a source of strength and motivation, it can also hold us back and keep us stuck in limiting beliefs and negative thought patterns. So, how do we get out of the story in our heads? Here are some tips:

Recognize Your Story

The first step to getting out of the story in your head is to recognize it. Pay attention to the thoughts and beliefs that arise when facing a challenge or a difficult situation. What story are you telling yourself about the problem? Are you seeing it through a lens of fear, self-doubt, or negativity? By becoming aware of your story, you can challenge it and see it for what it is – a narrative you’ve constructed based on your past experiences, beliefs, and perceptions.

Does it help?

Once you recognize your story, you can explore how helpful it is. Rather than challenging whether or not your story is true, ask yourself, “Does it move me toward who I want to be?” “Is it improving my relationships?” “Is it improving my satisfaction with life?” Alternatively, “Is it bogging me down in negativity?” “Is it damaging my relationships?” “Is it making me less productive?” When we get fully enmeshed in our inner narrative, it can begin to look like it is the Truth, limiting our ability to engage our world effectively.

Focus on the Present Moment

Part of the way that we are limited by our negative stories is that they keep us stuck in the past or worrying about the future. If you observe your story and determine it is not helping you, you can refocus on what is right in front of you. By focusing on the present moment, we can let go of our story and experience life as it is without the filter of our narrative. Practice mindfulness or meditation to help you stay present and let go of distracting thoughts.

Take Action

Once we are refocused on the present moment, it is time to take action. Instead of getting caught up in your thoughts and beliefs, focus on what you can do right now to move forward. Take small steps towards your goals, even if they feel uncomfortable or scary. By taking action, you can break free from the limitations of your story and create a new narrative based on your experiences and achievements.

Practice Self-Compassion

Often, our story limits us through self-criticism and judgment. We may compare ourselves to others, feel inadequate, or focus on our flaws and mistakes. Practicing self-compassion allows us to see ourselves in a more positive and accepting light. Treat yourself with kindness, understanding, and forgiveness, and focus on your strengths and accomplishments instead of your shortcomings.

Connect with Others

Sometimes, we need to get out of our heads and connect with others to break free from our story. You can engage with friends, family, or a therapist for support and perspective. Share your struggles and concerns with others, and listen to their stories. By connecting with others, we can gain a broader perspective on our experiences and find inspiration and encouragement to move forward.

Getting out of the story in your head is a process of awareness, questioning, and action. By recognizing and questioning the helpfulness of our story, staying present, taking action, practicing self-compassion, and connecting with others, we can break free from limiting beliefs and negative thought patterns and create a new narrative based on our experiences and strengths. This is often hard and takes time and effort, but the rewards of letting go of our story and living in the present moment can be life-changing. So, step outside your story today and see what new possibilities arise.

If you would like help in this process, please reach out to us at 615-377-1153, and we can get you connected with one of our excellent therapists, who are trained to guide you as you get out of your head and re-engage your life.

Resources:

The Happiness Trap website (https://thehappinesstrap.com/) is an excellent resource for learning about the process of getting out of your head. They have everything from free resources to a full, 8-week program guiding you through it.

(NOTE: Brentwood Counseling Associates has no connection with The Happiness Trap and receives no compensation for recommending it)

Mindfulness for People Who Don’t Want to Meditate

Mindfulness is a great way to improve mental and emotional well-being, reduce stress and anxiety, and promote overall health. However, many people are put off by meditation, finding it challenging to sit still for long periods or quiet their minds. The good news is that mindfulness doesn’t have to involve meditation. Many ways to practice mindfulness don’t require sitting on a cushion for hours. Here are some ideas for practicing mindfulness for people who don’t want to meditate:

Practice Mindful Breathing

A straightforward way to practice mindfulness is through mindful breathing, which involves paying attention to your breath and focusing on the sensation of air moving in and out of your body. You can do this anywhere, anytime; it only takes a few minutes. Just take a few minutes, close your eyes if it helps, and feel the cycle of your breath as you breathe in and out. Not only does this ground you in the present moment, but it also connects you to what you feel in your body.

Mindful Eating

Mindful eating is just what it sounds like. Take your time when you eat, savor each bite, and notice the food’s taste, texture, and smell. Pause between bites and take a few deep breaths. Try to eat without distractions, such as TV or your phone, and focus on the experience of the meal.

Mindful Listening

We often listen to others without really hearing them, as our minds are busy with our thoughts and distractions. Mindful listening involves giving full attention to the person speaking without interrupting or judging. Focus on the person’s words, tone, and body language, and try letting go of distractions or judgments.

Mindful Appreciation

Practicing gratitude and appreciation can help us to cultivate a positive mindset and improve our well-being. Even a few minutes each day spent reflecting on what you’re grateful for, whether it’s something small, such as a cup of coffee, or something significant, such as your health or relationships, can have a considerable impact. Keep a small notepad beside your bed and write down a few things you are grateful for each evening.

Mindful Movement

Mindful movement can involve any form of physical activity, such as yoga, tai chi, stretching, or simply walking. The key is to pay attention to your body’s sensations and move with intention and awareness. Focus on the sensations of the movement, the shifting of your balance, and the connection with the ground. Let yourself be fully present with your actions.

Mindful Reminders

Finally, a personal favorite of mine is simple timed mindfulness. In this practice, you set a recurring alarm to go off every half-hour or hour. When it does, you focus entirely for two to five minutes on whatever you are doing at the moment. This approach doesn’t require you to set aside any time or even stop what you are doing; you just entirely do what you are doing. When brushing your teeth, pay attention to the toothpaste’s taste and the bristles’ feel. If you are working on a report, allow yourself to fully attend to the report rather than running through your task list in your head. If you are with your family, focus entirely on engaging with them. Again, the what doesn’t matter, just do it fully. 

The benefits of mindfulness come from being completely present in where you are, who you are with, and what you are doing. Getting caught up in thoughts of the past or future leaves us trying to manage things we cannot influence. By engaging in mindfulness, we engage with those things we can do something about. Further, we are more engaged in the things that matter to us. Try on some of these methods for improving your present-moment mindfulness. Jot down the experiences you have. Reflect on the impact it has on your day. 

If you want to dig into any of these concepts more thoroughly, contact our practice at 615-377-1153. Our office manager, Jane Jenkins, will be happy to help you connect to one of our excellent therapists.

Life Phases and Their Impact on Mental Health

Think about the following folks and what they have in common. Hunter is a 27-year old college graduate who has just quit his third job and is thinking of going back to graduate school, citing unhappiness in his career so far. His friends tell him he’s just having a “quarter-life crisis.” Jennifer is a 48-year old working mother of three who recently moved her mother into her home following a dementia diagnosis. Her husband comments, “you bet she’s stressed out, she’s part of the sandwich generation, and she never gets a break.” And Nancy is a 72-year old retiree from the corporate world who, despite being financially secure, states, “I thought I’d be relieved to be out of the rat race, but instead I’m getting more and more depressed.”

In spite of being in different phases of life, each of the people above is experiencing a significant strain on their mental and emotional well-being. And for all of them, it’s actually the stage of life they’re in that’s contributing to it. In my practice, I work with adults across the lifespan. And for many, their current phase of life has a lot to do with the reason they sought therapy. As humans, we are constantly evolving into new life stages. When we were young, these changes were usually exciting and brought new experiences and long-awaited markers of independence. We can all remember the freedom we felt during those firsts: riding our bikes across the neighborhood to a friend’s house or getting the keys to mom’s car for a night out with friends. But what happens when we, like those in the examples above, find ourselves up against a new life stage that doesn’t bring what we expected?

As we struggle to adjust, we often find that we need to quickly develop new habits and routines that will help us navigate the uncharted territory. This is perhaps most common when the life phase comes on suddenly. Take our middle-aged mom, for instance. She might have known that her mother’s cognitive health was declining, but due to the busy-ness of her own life, she wasn’t aware of the urgency of her mother’s need for round-the-clock care. And as she began caring for both her children and her mother, she came to put herself last. She discovered, perhaps too late, that she couldn’t do it all without significant changes to her life. Gathering the practical support needed to care for both her mother and her children was necessary, but took a lot of time and emotional energy. And that took a toll on her well-being. Mental health concerns like anxiety and depression have a way of sneaking in when we’re most stressed and unable to maintain our previous levels of self-care.

But even when we have time to plan for the change, we might still have a hard time adapting. Think about our retiree above, for example. For years, she had anxiously awaited her chance to spend quiet mornings sipping her coffee and reading the news instead of fighting traffic on her 45-minute commute. She had looked forward to traveling for pleasure, as opposed to catching the red-eye for conferences. And she couldn’t wait to trade emails and meetings for school lunches with her grandkids and pickleball with her friends. Why, then, did she grapple with depression? Big life changes, even those that we welcome with open arms, are usually accompanied by some kind of loss. In our example, the retiree had lost the thing that had filled most of her days for the last 50 years. And yes, she hated aspects of her work, but overall, she did find it meaningful. She felt that her contributions to her workplace and, in a larger sense, to her field, had really made a difference. And working to readjust and find new things to not only occupy those 40 hours a week, but also to bring her the same kind of purpose, was difficult.

Similarly, the young college graduate in our examples above was experiencing loss. The transition to the world of work in a new city meant the loss of significant friendships in his immediate surroundings. Moreover, his new workplace was filled with folks in all stages of life, and he just didn’t feel a natural connection to the 45-year old parents or those nearing retirement. Add to that the learning curve of starting a new job and navigating a new city, and our college graduate felt lonely and inadequate as he struggled to find his place in his new world. Yet, he expected himself to adjust to this new phase of life with relative ease. After all, his story followed the natural progression of things for many college graduates. And on paper, his life was playing out as it was “supposed” to. That might have been precisely why he was caught so off-guard by his unhappiness.

I believe that we need to expand the conversation around life transitions. In addition to emphasizing all the good things they bring, we need to include the possibility that it might take time to adjust to any inherent losses. And perhaps more importantly, we need to remember to give ourselves extra grace as we work to become accustomed to all the newness. Simply remaining aware that mental health concerns such as depression or anxiety can creep in during adjustment periods works wonders. But even more importantly, we need to remain intentional around identifying and working to maintain any coping mechanisms that have worked for us in the past. Remaining connected to previous support systems is crucial. So is continued engagement in activities that bring about relaxation, joy, or fun. And sometimes we need others to make sure we’re staying on top of these things. Whether it’s asking friends and family members to reach out more regularly during the transition or seeking the support of a mental health professional, it’s helpful to have a system in place that can act as a bridge while crossing into the new phase of life.

If you’re struggling to adapt to a significant life transition and need some support along the way, the therapists at Brentwood Counseling Associates can help. Read more about each of us here to find out more, and if you’re interested in scheduling an initial session, reach out to our office manager.

A woman standing on a dock overlooking a lake on a sunny winter day.

Maximizing Wellbeing During the 2020 Holiday Season

You might be wondering if that’s even possible. 2020 has been a challenge, to say the least. There’s no doubt that it’s left a lot of us feeling increased loneliness, isolation, worry, boredom, and frustration. Nothing about this year has felt normal, and most of us have had to make at least some adjustments.

Fortunately, it’s gone relatively well for some. But others have seen their mental health decline due to the lack of social support, fears about health and financial security, and the prolonged loss of our old way of life. And for those who’ve lost loved ones or jobs due to the pandemic, or have worked the front lines non-stop, things might be feeling particularly hopeless. Anxiety and depression are on the uptick, both for those who’ve wrestled with them previously, and for those who never have.

Under normal circumstances, the holidays can serve as a buffer against emotional struggles, offering folks the chance to spend meaningful time with family and friends and renew their hope and optimism for better things to come in the new year. But this time of the year can also be challenging for those who don’t experience joy during this season. For people who’ve suffered a significant loss, for example, or who are grappling with ongoing illness, addiction, or strained family relationships, the holidays only serve as a reminder of the things they don’t have.

Whatever the holidays mean for you under normal circumstances, you’ll likely have to adjust to a different – 2020 – version of them. If the year has already left you feeling stressed, you might be wondering how you’ll get through this season with your wellbeing intact. Here are a few ideas.

Connect with Yourself

When was the last time you checked in with yourself about how you’re doing? We’ve all been burdened with a keen awareness that things aren’t right this year, and the holidays will probably only serve to reinforce that. But how often do you examine and identify exactly what you’re feeling, and more importantly, allow yourself to express it? This kind of emotional catharsis is key to good mental health because it keeps things from building up and boiling over, or showing up in the form of depression or anxiety. It can also prevent unhealthy coping mechanisms such as addiction, which often arise through efforts to numb difficult feelings.

You might choose to deeply connect with your feelings on your own by journaling, or with a trusted friend or family member or a helping professional. Or you might find that you resonate more with an artistic form of emotional expression such as painting, singing, or dancing. However it is that you get in touch with your feelings and move them outside of yourself, try to prioritize doing it. And remember to take good care of yourself afterward. Emotional work is hard work, and you deserve to reward yourself. So make a plan to do something rejuvenating as a follow-up. This will replenish your emotional reserve, and make you more likely to engage in such emotional catharsis again.

It’s important to note that if connecting deeply with your emotions leaves you feeling in immediate crisis, please call the Tennessee Statewide Mental Health Crisis Line at 855-CRISIS-1 (855-274-7471).

Connect with Others

During this time of suggested isolation, it’s more important than ever to prioritize quality connection with others. You might not be able to physically be with family and friends this holiday season, so you’ll need to be extra intentional about making your virtual interactions meaningful. Whereas moments together in “normal” years might have been filled with small talk and shared activities where you’re not really connecting very deeply, consider packing your shorter interactions with more meaningful communication. A stronger emotional closeness such as this could go a long way in making the physical distance more tolerable.

For example, you might ask those you care about to share with you what they’ve truly been through this year; find out about their struggles and where they’ve found unexpected joy. Ask them if they consider this year to be the hardest one they’ve lived through, or if some other circumstance in their past was more challenging. Share with each other your coping mechanisms and explore what you wish you were doing a better job with.

Or tell someone who’s really important to you what you’re grateful for in your relationship with them. You might not often do this, but it can give definition to the more ambiguous good feelings you get when you’re with them. It will give them some insight into the special qualities they bring to the relationship, and help you understand the things you find essential in one. You’ll both likely learn a lot about yourselves and about your relationship, too.

With older relatives, consider finding out more about their childhood or what their lives were like when they’re the same age you are now. Or ask what their younger hopes and dreams were, or how they ended up following a particular career path or hobby. Find out if there’s anything they wish they’d known at your age or done differently. In learning so much about someone else, you might be surprised to find that you also learn something about yourself.

Cut Yourself Some Slack

Since there’s not been much normalcy this year, why expect the usual things of yourself? Especially during the holidays, it’s easy for our self-expectations to become perfectionistic in nature. Instead, strive toward making them as realistic as possible. And given that it is 2020, after all, perhaps even expect quite a bit of deviation from the norm. If old holiday traditions are scrapped, try to consider this year as an opportunity to develop new ones – and look forward to future years when you can reflect on this one and be grateful that you made it through.

Practice gratitude around the things you’re thankful are still a part of your life. Remember that this season of our lives is temporary. It’s easier to maintain flexibility when we have faith that at some point, things will return to normal. And break your forward-thinking into manageable chunks – get through one afternoon or day at a time instead of thinking in terms of weeks or months. You’ll feel much more accomplishment and much less overwhelmed.

And if you’re grieving a significant loss this season, allow yourself to feel the sadness around it. Remember to engage in plenty of replenishing self-care, and give yourself permission to do this holiday season differently than usual. Remain flexible, doing only the holiday activities you have the energy and emotional reserve for – not necessarily all the ones you’ve done in the past. And consider honoring the loss as part of your holiday tradition this year. Acknowledging it, as painful as it might feel in the moment, can be a significant part of your grieving process.

If you’ve tried everything you can think of and you’re still feeling burdened with the weight of 2020 this holiday season, don’t hesitate to reach out to someone in the helping profession. Our therapists at Brentwood Counseling Associates are currently offering both in-person and virtual counseling sessions to support you during this time. Sometimes it’s just too hard to do it all on your own, and that’s where we come in. So please reach out and let us know how we can help.

mental health and covid-19

Mental Health and COVID-19: What’s Normal in the New Normal?

The new normal. Mental health and COVID-19. If you’re wondering how to optimize wellness during the current pandemic, you’re not alone. Over the past few weeks, many of us have shifted to working, learning, grocery shopping, exercising, and hair cutting from home. Instead of spending time in person with friends, family, and co-workers, we talk at our phone and computer screens to stay in touch. The days blend into each other now that we have no places to go or people to see, and we do our best to put some sort of structure to them. And in the time of COVID-19, we consider ourselves lucky if those are our biggest concerns. Some have experienced much more devastating changes due to the loss of jobs, health, and even life. They’ve lost everything, and fear for how much worse it will get before it gets better. This would have all seemed unbelievable just a couple of months ago, and yet, it’s where we find ourselves.

It’s safe to say that the COVID-19 pandemic has changed things for all of us, whether it’s simply the loss of our old way of life, or a much more tragic one. And during these times, it can be helpful to understand what we’re going through in the context of grief. When we think of loss in the traditional sense, we think of the death of a loved one or the end of a significant relationship. But our feelings and reactions to this pandemic are much like what we go through when we grieve. We’re grieving the loss of the way things used to be. And just as some people have a harder time working through the grief process, some folks are finding it harder to adapt to the loss of our old way of life. In this article, we’ll explore some of the normal, common reactions to our new reality, and identify some red flags to watch out for. We’ll also offer a few suggestions about how to grieve the loss of the old normal, and shift into the new one, in a healthy way.

Mental Health and COVID-19

Denial, Shock, and Disbelief

Much like a sudden and unexpected death, the drastic changes we had to make during the month of March seemed to happen overnight. We were caught off guard, and a sense of shock and disbelief set in. We were hopeful that schools and sporting events might start back up at best, in a couple of weeks, and at worst, maybe a month. In those first few days, we just couldn’t fathom that we might be in this for the long haul. The idea that this virus would be so contagious that we’d all need to wall ourselves off from the rest of society seemed like something from a blockbuster science fiction film, not from 21st-century America.

But it wasn’t unlike the denial phase of grief, when we find it hard to believe that a loss is real. Imagine the person, for example, who, soon after a breakup, holds out hope for a reconciliation. When a new way of being is too painful for us to bear, it takes some time to absorb the reality of it. And this denial phase of grief seems to have happened to a lot of us during those early days of quarantine.

But denying that things are different keeps us from doing the things we need to do to stay healthy – in the age of COVID-19, physical distancing, or washing your hands, for example. It can also delay our transition to a new normal, and keep us in a holding pattern of sorts that prevents us from developing new routines. Part of good mental health is having the flexibility to create new versions of our old routines when we’re forced to change our daily lives. For example, just because you can’t go to the gym for six weeks doesn’t mean you have to be a couch potato the whole time. Your new exercise routine might not look much like your old one, but the ability to find ways to approximate it is vital to transitioning into your new normal. Taking a flexible approach when shifting each part of your daily routine is one way to make the overall change seem less overwhelming.

Getting Stuck

As we made the initial adjustment to our new routines, many of us found the extra time relaxing. No more drive time meant we could stay in bed a little longer and skip ironing our pants. Some of us even scrapped the professional look altogether and went straight to sweatpants and ball caps – relaxation at its finest! Hours upon hours at home also lends itself to binge watching TV shows or movies, often snacking while doing so. Downtime is a critical piece of optimal mental health, and many of us weren’t getting enough of it until now. There’s something to be said for our newfound comfort with presenting our “real” selves to the world – long, graying, messy hair, and all. Letting go of our old pretenses around image is a sign of vulnerability, which allows us to connect more deeply with others. Because we’re getting a glimpse into the real world of our colleagues, friends, and family members, we may end up feeling closer to them, because we can see that they’re much like us.

But what happens when the media binges go on so long that we miss sleep or meals, or fall down on the job? Or when one day blends into another so much so that we lose track of hygiene and stop showering or brushing our teeth? These patterns are easy to slip into, and are very common during the grief process. When we’ve lost a critical part of our old way of life, it’s not unusual to get stuck “waiting” for things to return to normal. But putting everything on hold is a signal that adaptation to the new normal isn’t going so well.

Having balance and structure to the seemingly endless days is crucial to maintaining good mental health during these times. You don’t have to create a down-to-the-minute schedule and stick to it; remember that the point is to be flexible during this time. But having some general expectations for each day isn’t a bad thing. It may be helpful to think about this, for example, in terms of physical health, work, and relaxation. A goal might be to aspire to include some work, some rest/relaxation, some movement, and adequate sleep and nutrition. This is just a starting place, though. Think about what’s important to you (spirituality is one example that comes to mind), and consider how that might fit into your daily plan around balance.

Going into Overdrive

What about when your problem is not doing too little, but doing too much? With calendars cleared of extracurricular and social activities, hours are suddenly opened up to devote to those long-delayed household projects. Backs of cabinets and closets have been cleaned out. Lawns are immediately immaculate. And pantries and desk drawers have been organized. Many of us have even taken up new hobbies or returned to old ones. It’s felt good that we’ve been able to make the most of these strange, scary new times by being productive. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But for some, along with all this new productivity came the expectation that they should be doing something fruitful with the extra time, all the time.

It’s not uncommon for people who are grieving to go to such an extreme after experiencing a significant loss. We see a lot of folks who throw themselves into work as a way to cope during the grief process. Staying busy is a way to distract ourselves from painful feelings about the loss. It’s also a way to feel like we’re taking back some control over our lives when it seems like everything has spun out of control. But that busy-ness itself can also spiral out of control, to the point that our mental health suffers. We can start using activities to push down our true feelings of sadness about the loss. Or we can start basing our self-worth on our productivity, feeling guilt and shame when we’re not getting enough done.

It’s important during these times to examine our motives for checking off to-do list after to-do list, and to check in on what emotions we might be using those activities to avoid. Such check-ins with ourselves and others about how we’re really doing with all these changes are vital to maintaining good mental health in this new normal. Don’t be afraid to identify and express whatever you’re feeling, whether on your own through journaling, for example, or with another person. If there’s not anyone in your life with whom you would feel comfortable doing this, please consider reaching out to a trusted professional. From counselors to clergy members, there are people ready to help.

Other Suggestions for Finding a Healthier New Normal

In addition to the suggestions given already, consider limiting time spent reading about the pandemic. It’s good to have information and be up-to-date on the latest recommendations. But given the tragic nature of much of the news these days, information overload can leave you feeling helpless, hopeless, and scared.

Not only can placing parameters on the time you spend consuming COVID-19 information help, but so can giving back. It can easily feel like our sense of control has been robbed from us these days. But helping others, and feeling like you’re really making a difference, can bring it back. Making masks, taking part in a quarantine birthday parade, joining in on a big round of applause for our health care providers, and donating money or food to a food bank are just some examples of ways people have been volunteering their time or resources.

And if you already struggle with stress management or mental health concerns such as depression, anxiety, or addiction, or if you’re going through an additional loss during this time, you’ll need to take extra good care of yourself right now. If you need help finding someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to contact us at Brentwood Counseling Associates. We’d be happy to help you determine who’d be a good fit for your needs and situation. Whether it’s someone in our practice or somewhere else, we just want to be sure you’re getting the support you need during this time.

nontraditional kind of loss

What Might Have Been: A Nontraditional, but Significant Kind of Loss

Ah, spring. The time of year when a sea of gold descends upon us here in Nashville. And no, allergy sufferers, it’s not just the pollen. It’s the jersey-clad, rally-towel-waving, banner-flying, Nashville Predators fandom that takes over the city during the NHL Stanley Cup playoffs. And it was never more rabid than during the team’s Cup Final run in the spring of 2017. For a couple of months that year, it was unlike anything Nashville had ever seen. And we believed that team could win it all. But suddenly one night in June, it was over. It wasn’t supposed to happen that way. Not to a team that had been the last to make the playoffs, a team whose players had suffered injuries galore, and still had somehow made it that far. And yet, it just wasn’t meant to be. If you were around that spring, or if you’ve ever rooted so long and so hard for something that didn’t come to pass, you’ve probably experienced the same kind of heartsick letdown that followed that Game 6 loss. To be clear, sports championships aren’t exactly the stuff of life and death. But they illustrate a type of loss that isn’t talked much about: the loss of what might have been.

When we hear that someone has experienced a loss, or is grieving or mourning, we usually make the assumption that they have lost a loved one or something vital to their happiness and well-being, such as their home. It’s long been that way in our culture, though more recently we’ve expanded our notions of loss to include experiences such as infertility, miscarriage, and the death of pets. However, just like in the hockey reference described above, what happens when something that we expected to happen, doesn’t? This type of loss often goes unrecognized because it doesn’t fit into our culture’s traditional definition of something that is “worth” mourning. And when we (or others) don’t recognize something as a loss, we don’t feel like we’re allowed to grieve. But when grief goes unresolved, it can morph into something else, like depression or anxiety. In fact, unresolved loss is often the “root” of the problems that bring people into therapy. Let’s take a look at some common nontraditional forms of loss around what might have been.

In my experience, one of the most common nontraditional losses of this kind occurs in close relationships, when there is grief about what a relationship could have been. This type of loss can occur in friendships, relationships with siblings, and romantic relationships. But its impact seems to be felt most strongly when it happens in the parental relationship. Most mothers and fathers strive to parent in the most effective way possible, and don’t intentionally set out to hurt their children. But certain circumstances can lead to an ineffective, often outright hurtful parenting style. Those who struggle with alcoholism, for example, parent while under the influence, when they’re usually not at their best selves. Or those who grapple with severe depression parent while being unable to function at the most basic level, let alone at the level that healthy parenting requires. Regardless of the reason, parents do sometimes become unable to offer the unconditional love, support, and acceptance that their child needs. And just because a child reaches adulthood doesn’t mean that that need goes away. This is why most people with this kind of loss report that they continue to try to please their parent, despite having been met with rejection their whole lives. They’ve become tired of trying, yet may be reluctant to accept the loss of hope that their parent will ever truly approve of them. They often enter therapy when they just can’t try anymore. And the grief work done in therapy involves deciding whether to continue to expect anything from the parental relationship, and how to make peace with what it could have been.

Another “what might have been,” nontraditional form of loss occurs around career paths. This kind of loss can occur anytime during a person’s career. However, I’ve noticed it coming up so frequently among college and university students that I’ll use that population to illustrate it. Maybe more so than ever, students these days begin thinking about their career paths in high school, or even earlier, as they discover their talents and passions and start focusing on a particular educational track. Maybe they’ve got a knack for numbers, and they’re encouraged to pursue accounting. Maybe their talent lies in science, and they decide to shoot for medical school. Or maybe their athletic prowess has paved the way to a full scholarship and talk of professional play. But what happens when there’s a bump in the road and those plans don’t come to fruition? Consider the mathematically- or scientifically-minded student who runs up on some required classes he can’t pass. Or the star athlete who has a career-ending injury. Not only are these students left to redirect their course and find a new career path, but they’re left with the loss of what might have been. And if well-meaning parents, friends, and advisors emphasize the importance of finding that new path, the student can draw the conclusion that the loss wasn’t worth grieving. But when unresolved grief is suppressed, it can make it difficult for such students to move forward. College is stressful enough without also having to rewrite your life’s career path. But therapy can allow students to process the emotions surrounding the loss of their original career expectations, begin to heal the pain of that loss, and start writing their new career story.

Finally, let’s consider losses that alter a person’s lifestyle. These kinds of losses are often physical in nature, having to do with significant illness or other changes to the body or mind. For example, let’s say a person’s spouse develops early-onset dementia. Shifts must be made not only in the couple’s daily lifestyle, but in their expectations about the long-term. What happens to their plans of traveling abroad after they reach retirement age? Or to all those hopes and dreams they had about being grandparents together? There might also be regrets about not having gone after those hopes and dreams earlier. Or guilt about acknowledging the sadness and unfairness of the curveball life’s just thrown them – after all, the last thing the wife wants to do is blame her husband for getting sick. But it’s crucial that she give herself permission to mourn the loss of her old reality, as well as the loss of what might have been. If she doesn’t, it could complicate the grief she experiences when she faces the impending loss that will eventually come with the progression of her husband’s disease. Talking with a trusted professional in counseling can ensure that all the facets of loss, both traditional and nontraditional, are acknowledged and honored. And difficult though it is, doing the work of grief goes a long way in ensuring that it doesn’t shift into something more.

 

If you have experienced or are currently experiencing this kind of loss, and are struggling with the emotions associated with your grief, contact Brentwood Counseling Associates and connect with one of our experienced therapists.

 

 

depression counseling

Managing Holiday Depression

“’Tis the season…” You probably know the rest. It seems there’s a general expectation that this last month of the year will be merry and bright. But those who struggle with depression know that it doesn’t go away just because it’s “the most wonderful time of the year.” In fact, all those good tidings of joy might actually worsen existing symptoms. After all, depression is a hard enough battle without society sending the message that there’s something wrong with you if you don’t feel the holiday joy. If you’re finding it even more difficult than usual to manage your depressive symptoms this holiday season, read on for some tips on self-care as well as advice on when to seek depression counseling.

Set realistic expectations

When depression sets in, it can take more energy than normal to do the things you need to do to get through the day. Daily activities like going to work, taking care of your kids, grocery shopping, and cleaning the house suddenly become exhausting chores. And sometimes some of them don’t even get done. That can make the added tasks of the holidays seem particularly daunting. It’s crucial, then, for those who are managing depression during this season to prioritize. Don’t expect yourself to do it all this year. Talk with your family about realistic expectations around all the holiday extras such as card-writing, decorating, gift-preparation, baking, and attending parties and other holiday events. Decide which are most meaningful to you and your family, and figure out where you can trim or even delegate some of the responsibility. The extra time you’ll have and the reduced stress you’ll feel will go a long way toward keeping depressive symptoms from worsening during this hectic season.

Tune out some of the holiday “noise”

It’s inescapable this time of the year: the holiday music playing in all the stores, the movies showing on all the cable channels, and the endless ads on TV, the radio, and in print. It’s hard to ignore, and bright and merry as it is, it reinforces the belief that it’s a happy time of the year for everyone. But if you’re struggling with depression, it simply may not feel that way. Because depression can lead to increased feelings of guilt, anyway, why should you also feel guilty that you’re not as happy as you should be this season? You have control over how many of these holiday messages you take in, so why not consider limiting them? Be a critical consumer of all the seasonal “noise” that’s thrown your way this season. If the holiday music or movies lift your mood, immerse yourself in them. If, on the other hand, the store ads leave you feeling guilty about lacking the energy to do all the shopping this year, watch commercial-free movies instead. If you’re struggling with depression, you know that your baseline mood on most days is lower than normal. Give it a little extra TLC this season by structuring your holiday media intake with that in mind.

Seek depression counseling

So far, we’ve identified a couple of self-care techniques to manage depression this holiday season. They both involve setting limits in order to lift your mood and allow more time for the self-care that is so vital to staving off depressive symptoms. And if you’ve grappled with depression for any length of time, you probably already have other self-care habits in place that help. But if you find that it’s particularly difficult to continue managing it on your own, think about depression counseling as an additional option. Find a professional you feel comfortable with, whether it’s a psychologist, counselor, social worker, or clergy member, and let them share in your efforts to combat depression. Proper depression counseling can supplement the hard work you do every day to keep those depressive symptoms in check. And counselors’ understanding can help you normalize the challenges of finding the holiday joy when depression rears its head.

Anxiety and Depression in Teens

Anxiety and Depression in Teens and Young Adults: When is it Time to Talk to a Professional?

by Stephanie Insko

You may have heard about the alarming increase in anxiety and depression among college students. I have seen this concerning trend firsthand in the couple of decades since my first job in a university counseling center. Sure, I worked with a lot of students who were dealing with depression and anxiety back then. But the majority of the students seeking counseling were simply struggling to adjust to the newfound responsibilities, decisions, and relationship dynamics that came with college life. In other words, they were in the thick of the learning curve of becoming adults.

The challenges of adjusting to adulthood have not gone away in those nearly 20 years. But they are inherently more difficult for the average young person to navigate while also struggling with untreated anxiety and depression. Therefore, it’s more crucial than ever that young folks address any mental health concerns before they’re on their own, trying to perform in college or on the job. But how do you know when it’s time to seek the help of a mental health professional?

Clinical anxiety and depression can sneak up on us, and may go unnoticed until functioning is affected. In teens and young adults, this often shows up as a decline in school or work performance. There might be a lack of interest or motivation to improve, and problems concentrating might make it nearly impossible to do so. Social functioning might change, too, with increased isolation from friends. A loss of interest in previously-loved activities is another warning sign. Other signals that this is more than a “rough patch” include changes in appetite, sleep, and overall energy levels.

If you’ve noticed any of these signs, it might be time to consult a therapist. Anxiety and depression in teens are manageable concerns, and therapy is a collaborative effort to develop a plan to do so. Maybe you’re a parent noticing some signs that worry you as you send your child off to college. Or maybe you’re a young adult struggling to balance depression or anxiety with the demands of school or a job. Whatever the age or stage, a good relationship with a therapist can help you figure out how to manage it all.

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